Much needed holiday

Heading down to Phillip Island in a few days for a much needed break. Only a week- wish I'd taken more time. But this week have been trying to work harder to make stock because away next week! *sigh*

I finally got a new car, had it 2 weeks. It's a 2005 Toyota Corolla, very nice to drive, light, doesn't use so much petrol. Will be good to drive down instead of the bomb, at least I know it'll get me there.

Moods very erratic. Wouldn't have minded going down on my own next week, but I know it would be a bad idea since my moods are all over the place and who knows what could happen. It will be fun with Lyndal there, we plan to just veg out, read, write, do a few days trips etc. Better take warm clothes, I reckon it will get cold!

Heading off to bed, so tired and will have to pack tomorrow night. Hopefully I wont spend the WHOLE week sleeping, but if I do, I guess that will be a good rest. Meh.

Same old

Haha, well no guesses for what I'm doing at the moment- yep, watching the X-files!! Scully and Mulder are keeping me sane (for those interested, it's 'Synchrony' ep. 19 season 4).

Last weekend was actually a good one, I had a cake to make for a friend's daughter on saturday, then I dropped it round before I was due to church, and she invited me to stay for dinner.. I was supposed to be going to church but had been to the dentist earlier that day and had a really sore mouth, so decided I couldn't sing and that I would stay- even if I couldn't eat much. Anyway, I ended up staying for an early dinner, then was going to go home but the weather was looking weird, so she persuaded me to stay. Anyway, we were chatting and watching tv, then we both fell asleep on the couch!! We weren't asleep long before both out phones rang and I headed home. Sunday, I was back at her place at 10am to go to a work seminar with friends from work. We had Yum Cha for breakfast/lunch, (I ate fish guts- eww! oops) then went shopping. I got 3 dresses, a skirt and a coat for $125 which I thought was pretty good!! One of my friends spent $700!!! Then we headed off to the seminar, which was interesting, though big on the fact that we are surrounded by toxins and must detox etc. and that this can have severe effects on our health etc. And also that stress is not good for us either. I think the speaker had been talking for only a few minutes when I decided that I was screwed!

Ok, trying to get my head around this: Scully "and if your sister's your aunt and if your mother marries your uncle, you'd be your own grandpa" ... huh?? Might need to think about that for a bit...

Alright, so other than that nice weekend, things have been fairly ordinary. I dislocated my kneecap again on Wednesday (ouch) and was supposed to be going out, and that got changed to friday- it was an ok night.

Still very flat and struggling to cope. Have read a few quotes on depression and Christianity etc. but I'm struggling to work them and get my head around them. I sort of know what I have to do, but not sure if I can do it, and am somewhat scared that it wont work anyway... and also, I'm not sure about if I really understand what they mean anyway...
perhaps I am drifting from God a little... I don't know. I guess a part of me is angry about the depression. In a way you could say I am coping with it (I'm still alive right?) but in struggling to cope, it is painful- there are a lot of 'side effects' I guess you could say, and a lot of pain and tears and grief. That's not something that's ever easy to deal with. And in that there is anger and pain and confusion about everything... end result, I don't know...I just don't know about anything in my head or what is going on.

F*@#ing car

My car broke down again yesterday. Split radiator, had smoke pouring out of front when driving to work. Was nearly 3 hours late. $300 to fix. And Dad still doesn't think I need a new car. Frustrating.

Went to Doctor this morning, the expensive one. Not much progress. Thyroid still not great. Adrenals are probably stuffed. Getting cortisol levels tested, but that's expensive as not covered by medicare

I was really wanting to go out to see a band on saturday night, but my friend who said she would come has organised something else, and others friends haven't got back to me. I was really looking forward to it, something to look forward to, but now not sure if it will happen.
I am hanging out with work friends sunday though, we're going to a work seminar, but also socialising, so at least I still have that bright speck on the near horizen to focus on and look forward to.

Taking a lot of strength to not cry at the moment. Spent lunch in tears. Feeling incredibly lousy. Too many things going wrong, and too much to deal with. Not coping very well at all.

Very over it.

Nothing day

I did nothing today. I woke up, did some emailing, but had nothing planned for the day. I could have done some painting or piano practice but I didn't. I went back to bed and slept for another 4 hours. Cant get the motivation to do anything. Too depressed.

Church is strange at the moment. I don't want to go to Eucharist because I am not in the right frame of mind to take it, but I'm not really ready or up to going to confession either. And I cant go to Eucharist without going to confession. My spiritual father asked me tonight if I was turning away from God. I don't think I am, but I am very disconnected.

I'm not sure what to think. I'm depressed. I'm sick of having to deal with it. I have no connection with God. I'm not sure how to get a connection with God. I feel trapped and restricted. I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do, but it's not necessarily the right thing to do.

And I'm lonely. I don't know how to explain to anyone what is going on. Have tried once, but haven't got very far, and cant seem to talk to my spiritual father about this stuff.

So in the meantime I remain alone and lonely.

Lonely

I have been feeling so lousy this week. Aside from the fact that the last few days I've been feeling ill, headaches, dizzy, and a little nauseous, I've also been so incredibly depressed.

Yesterday and today in particular I was feeling so depressed, a few times it took all my strength just to not cry and collapse in a heap. All I wanted to do was call someone, even text someone, just tell them how lousy and alone I was feeling, but there was no one I could talk to, no one I could text and just say, "I feel like crap".

That's all I wanted to do, just tell someone how bad I felt, a shoulder to cry on, maybe even a hug.

I wanted to reach out so much, but I'm still too scared to talk to people, and even if I weren't, I don't even have anyone to talk to anyway. I seem to be so distant from my friends, I cant burden them with shit like this when I never see them. And I don't want to scare them away either, or make them think, 'oh no, not this again, don't want to hear her complaining'.

I just feel so miserable and depressed sometimes. I hate it. When I go down, I go DOWN. And it sucks.

I'm watching The X-Files again. I've been re-watching them (about the 3rd time?) and I'm up to season 4. One way I can escape the fact that I feel like crap. The old familiarity of it keeps me distracted, and at least having Scully and Mulder invade my dreams is better than the alternative...

Floating along...

Well, I'm still floating along, struggling to keep a grip on some kind of resemblance of normality. I forgot a podiatrist appointment this afternoon, a very rare occurrence for me to forget something like an appointment, considering I write everything down in my diary, I have no idea how I managed to do that.
I guess I've been a little stressed today, and it didn't help that mondays are so busy, and the other lab technician takes monday afternoons off, leaving me to complete everything that needs to be done for that day. Usually not a huge deal, just got it done today though, and guess I was so busy and with so many other things on my mind, the appointment completely slipped my mind.

Tomorrow I have a job interview, so taking the afternoon off work, another thing which probably didn't help! Not too stressed about it, I don't think I am anyway, as I'm not sure if I will take it if offered- depends how I feel after the interview. I applied for another job though, which I would rather get, hence why I'm hesitant to take it at this stage. I'm hoping to hear from them if I have an interview by the end of this week (hopefully I'll hear from them before I get offered the job!).

Been anxious and knotted up, struggling to cope with everything on my mind. If it were just one or two things, it would be ok, but because there are so many things at the moment, I'm going a bit nutty. It seems to be every aspect of my life there are things worrying me, spiritual, church, work, money, car, economic crisis, home, relationships, thoughts running out of control. *sigh* I hope things calm down soon, because I don't know how much more I can handle of this. I'm going insane!

In the meantime, I'm just floating along, emotionally and physically exhausted, trying to maintain some form of sanity.

Bad week cont.

Well my week went from bad to worse. I had a great night out thursday night, guess that was a positive, but my 'date' friday night was...well...interesting? I'm not sure at all really. Friday my car was stuffed, I SO need a new one so I don't have to keep sinking money into a dying one (and nearly blowing myself up because it's so fucked), and saturday was alright, though I think a girl tried to hit on to me at a bar...

Problem is, 'Conservative Rachel' thought she had won the battle and finally killed off 'Wild Rachel' and that she was dead and buried. And she thought she had managed to get 'Depressed Rachel' under some kind of control. But 'Wild Rachel' and 'Depressed Rachel' are working together, and 'Wild Rachel' wasn't really dead after all.
So 'Conservative Rachel' organised this 'date', but then 'Wild Rachel' popped up at the beginning of this week, thanks in part to 'Depressed Rachel', and was like, "so when are we going on this date?" and 'Conservative Rachel' is like "we?? I don't think so!". But 'Wild Rachel' was determined to stuff things up, and boy did she want to party, by friday morning, after the car trouble, I had so much adrenalin pumping round, I was just about bouncing off the walls at work.
Anyway, 'Conservative Rachel' managed the date without too much interference from the other 'Rachels', but 'Wild Rachel' was still up for a party, and I had to drive Saturday night, so she didn't really get it.
So then she has retreated somewhat at least (I think), but still has plenty of pent up energy to let out, and 'Depressed Rachel' has taken control, because 'Conservative Rachel' has given up and retreated to her padded cell, and is rocking back and forth with her fingers in her ears going "la-la-la, not listening, everything is fine, la-la-la".
So I've got 'Depressed Rachel' and 'Wild Rachel' at the wheel, which is NOT good, because it creates a depressed, reckless, quite insane me. So I'm spinning out of control and I'm too exhausted and tired to do anything about it...
I'm sure it will pass after a few weeks, it's just in the mean time, I have to ride it out I guess. Not sure how, but things will calm down eventually. At least I hope they will.