Just another day...

Much needed holiday

2009-05-21T21:25:00.002+10:00

Heading down to Phillip Island in a few days for a much needed break. Only a week- wish I'd taken more time. But this week have been trying to work harder to make stock because away next week! *sigh*

I finally got a new car, had it 2 weeks. It's a 2005 Toyota Corolla, very nice to drive, light, doesn't use so much petrol. Will be good to drive down instead of the bomb, at least I know it'll get me there.

Moods very erratic. Wouldn't have minded going down on my own next week, but I know it would be a bad idea since my moods are all over the place and who knows what could happen. It will be fun with Lyndal there, we plan to just veg out, read, write, do a few days trips etc. Better take warm clothes, I reckon it will get cold!

Heading off to bed, so tired and will have to pack tomorrow night. Hopefully I wont spend the WHOLE week sleeping, but if I do, I guess that will be a good rest. Meh.

Same old

2009-03-22T22:04:00.002+11:00

Haha, well no guesses for what I'm doing at the moment- yep, watching the X-files!! Scully and Mulder are keeping me sane (for those interested, it's 'Synchrony' ep. 19 season 4).

Last weekend was actually a good one, I had a cake to make for a friend's daughter on saturday, then I dropped it round before I was due to church, and she invited me to stay for dinner.. I was supposed to be going to church but had been to the dentist earlier that day and had a really sore mouth, so decided I couldn't sing and that I would stay- even if I couldn't eat much. Anyway, I ended up staying for an early dinner, then was going to go home but the weather was looking weird, so she persuaded me to stay. Anyway, we were chatting and watching tv, then we both fell asleep on the couch!! We weren't asleep long before both out phones rang and I headed home. Sunday, I was back at her place at 10am to go to a work seminar with friends from work. We had Yum Cha for breakfast/lunch, (I ate fish guts- eww! oops) then went shopping. I got 3 dresses, a skirt and a coat for $125 which I thought was pretty good!! One of my friends spent $700!!! Then we headed off to the seminar, which was interesting, though big on the fact that we are surrounded by toxins and must detox etc. and that this can have severe effects on our health etc. And also that stress is not good for us either. I think the speaker had been talking for only a few minutes when I decided that I was screwed!

Ok, trying to get my head around this: Scully "and if your sister's your aunt and if your mother marries your uncle, you'd be your own grandpa" ... huh?? Might need to think about that for a bit...

Alright, so other than that nice weekend, things have been fairly ordinary. I dislocated my kneecap again on Wednesday (ouch) and was supposed to be going out, and that got changed to friday- it was an ok night.

Still very flat and struggling to cope. Have read a few quotes on depression and Christianity etc. but I'm struggling to work them and get my head around them. I sort of know what I have to do, but not sure if I can do it, and am somewhat scared that it wont work anyway... and also, I'm not sure about if I really understand what they mean anyway...
perhaps I am drifting from God a little... I don't know. I guess a part of me is angry about the depression. In a way you could say I am coping with it (I'm still alive right?) but in struggling to cope, it is painful- there are a lot of 'side effects' I guess you could say, and a lot of pain and tears and grief. That's not something that's ever easy to deal with. And in that there is anger and pain and confusion about everything... end result, I don't know...I just don't know about anything in my head or what is going on.

F*@#ing car

2009-03-11T21:50:00.001+11:00

My car broke down again yesterday. Split radiator, had smoke pouring out of front when driving to work. Was nearly 3 hours late. $300 to fix. And Dad still doesn't think I need a new car. Frustrating.

Went to Doctor this morning, the expensive one. Not much progress. Thyroid still not great. Adrenals are probably stuffed. Getting cortisol levels tested, but that's expensive as not covered by medicare

I was really wanting to go out to see a band on saturday night, but my friend who said she would come has organised something else, and others friends haven't got back to me. I was really looking forward to it, something to look forward to, but now not sure if it will happen.
I am hanging out with work friends sunday though, we're going to a work seminar, but also socialising, so at least I still have that bright speck on the near horizen to focus on and look forward to.

Taking a lot of strength to not cry at the moment. Spent lunch in tears. Feeling incredibly lousy. Too many things going wrong, and too much to deal with. Not coping very well at all.

Very over it.

Nothing day

2009-03-07T23:03:00.002+11:00

I did nothing today. I woke up, did some emailing, but had nothing planned for the day. I could have done some painting or piano practice but I didn't. I went back to bed and slept for another 4 hours. Cant get the motivation to do anything. Too depressed.

Church is strange at the moment. I don't want to go to Eucharist because I am not in the right frame of mind to take it, but I'm not really ready or up to going to confession either. And I cant go to Eucharist without going to confession. My spiritual father asked me tonight if I was turning away from God. I don't think I am, but I am very disconnected.

I'm not sure what to think. I'm depressed. I'm sick of having to deal with it. I have no connection with God. I'm not sure how to get a connection with God. I feel trapped and restricted. I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do, but it's not necessarily the right thing to do.

And I'm lonely. I don't know how to explain to anyone what is going on. Have tried once, but haven't got very far, and cant seem to talk to my spiritual father about this stuff.

So in the meantime I remain alone and lonely.

Lonely

2009-03-06T21:51:00.002+11:00

I have been feeling so lousy this week. Aside from the fact that the last few days I've been feeling ill, headaches, dizzy, and a little nauseous, I've also been so incredibly depressed.

Yesterday and today in particular I was feeling so depressed, a few times it took all my strength just to not cry and collapse in a heap. All I wanted to do was call someone, even text someone, just tell them how lousy and alone I was feeling, but there was no one I could talk to, no one I could text and just say, "I feel like crap".

That's all I wanted to do, just tell someone how bad I felt, a shoulder to cry on, maybe even a hug.

I wanted to reach out so much, but I'm still too scared to talk to people, and even if I weren't, I don't even have anyone to talk to anyway. I seem to be so distant from my friends, I cant burden them with shit like this when I never see them. And I don't want to scare them away either, or make them think, 'oh no, not this again, don't want to hear her complaining'.

I just feel so miserable and depressed sometimes. I hate it. When I go down, I go DOWN. And it sucks.

I'm watching The X-Files again. I've been re-watching them (about the 3rd time?) and I'm up to season 4. One way I can escape the fact that I feel like crap. The old familiarity of it keeps me distracted, and at least having Scully and Mulder invade my dreams is better than the alternative...

Floating along...

2009-03-02T19:51:00.002+11:00

Well, I'm still floating along, struggling to keep a grip on some kind of resemblance of normality. I forgot a podiatrist appointment this afternoon, a very rare occurrence for me to forget something like an appointment, considering I write everything down in my diary, I have no idea how I managed to do that.
I guess I've been a little stressed today, and it didn't help that mondays are so busy, and the other lab technician takes monday afternoons off, leaving me to complete everything that needs to be done for that day. Usually not a huge deal, just got it done today though, and guess I was so busy and with so many other things on my mind, the appointment completely slipped my mind.

Tomorrow I have a job interview, so taking the afternoon off work, another thing which probably didn't help! Not too stressed about it, I don't think I am anyway, as I'm not sure if I will take it if offered- depends how I feel after the interview. I applied for another job though, which I would rather get, hence why I'm hesitant to take it at this stage. I'm hoping to hear from them if I have an interview by the end of this week (hopefully I'll hear from them before I get offered the job!).

Been anxious and knotted up, struggling to cope with everything on my mind. If it were just one or two things, it would be ok, but because there are so many things at the moment, I'm going a bit nutty. It seems to be every aspect of my life there are things worrying me, spiritual, church, work, money, car, economic crisis, home, relationships, thoughts running out of control. *sigh* I hope things calm down soon, because I don't know how much more I can handle of this. I'm going insane!

In the meantime, I'm just floating along, emotionally and physically exhausted, trying to maintain some form of sanity.

Bad week cont.

2009-02-22T18:21:00.003+11:00

Well my week went from bad to worse. I had a great night out thursday night, guess that was a positive, but my 'date' friday night was...well...interesting? I'm not sure at all really. Friday my car was stuffed, I SO need a new one so I don't have to keep sinking money into a dying one (and nearly blowing myself up because it's so fucked), and saturday was alright, though I think a girl tried to hit on to me at a bar...

Problem is, 'Conservative Rachel' thought she had won the battle and finally killed off 'Wild Rachel' and that she was dead and buried. And she thought she had managed to get 'Depressed Rachel' under some kind of control. But 'Wild Rachel' and 'Depressed Rachel' are working together, and 'Wild Rachel' wasn't really dead after all.
So 'Conservative Rachel' organised this 'date', but then 'Wild Rachel' popped up at the beginning of this week, thanks in part to 'Depressed Rachel', and was like, "so when are we going on this date?" and 'Conservative Rachel' is like "we?? I don't think so!". But 'Wild Rachel' was determined to stuff things up, and boy did she want to party, by friday morning, after the car trouble, I had so much adrenalin pumping round, I was just about bouncing off the walls at work.
Anyway, 'Conservative Rachel' managed the date without too much interference from the other 'Rachels', but 'Wild Rachel' was still up for a party, and I had to drive Saturday night, so she didn't really get it.
So then she has retreated somewhat at least (I think), but still has plenty of pent up energy to let out, and 'Depressed Rachel' has taken control, because 'Conservative Rachel' has given up and retreated to her padded cell, and is rocking back and forth with her fingers in her ears going "la-la-la, not listening, everything is fine, la-la-la".
So I've got 'Depressed Rachel' and 'Wild Rachel' at the wheel, which is NOT good, because it creates a depressed, reckless, quite insane me. So I'm spinning out of control and I'm too exhausted and tired to do anything about it...
I'm sure it will pass after a few weeks, it's just in the mean time, I have to ride it out I guess. Not sure how, but things will calm down eventually. At least I hope they will.

Bad week...

2009-02-18T20:54:00.003+11:00

Well, this is just not my week! Monday my car mirror got smashed off, and today I got a parking ticket, that's just the start...
I guess I sort of lied in my last post- there is a guy on the horizon, I just have no idea what going on with that. At the moment he is a friend, we have been emailing a few months, and talked on the phone, but this friday we are meeting for dinner. So I'm just a little bit anxious about it.

Ok, really anxious about it. Not that I am meaning to or anything, but my brain has gone into complete overdrive, and today at lunch I nearly had a panic attack (and it's been ages), I was just SO knotted up, it was ridiculous.
Lucky I managed to talk to a friend from work yesterday, or I think I would have gone insane, I had no one to talk to, and I felt like everything in my head was so stupid anyway, I eventually managed to swallow my fears, tell her that I wanted to talk about stuff but didn't know how to and then at lunch managed to spill some of it out. And you know what? I actually did feel better yesterday afternoon. I've gone a bit funny about talking to/trusting people again, I guess because I see my close friends so little, and there is really just no one around. I mean, I talk to Fr Geoff in confession and stuff, and usually, I feel I can tell him anything, but this time I just couldn't. But I'm so thankful to her that she listened, didn't judge, or act like I was really weird or anything, and she had some good insight too. Phew.

I used to blog about a lot of stuff, but I'm being more cautious about it now, and also, have less time at home on the computer anyway. I want to start writing again, but don't know where to start. I guess I'll just see where things take me. I was thinking about it tonight, but felt too blocked. I'm pretty depressed tonight, I'm even feeling too depressed to watch The X-files!

Actually, a lot of things could probably be summed up by saying: there are a lot of things I want to do and things that I should be doing, but I either cant find the time, or am too depressed when it comes to doing them and cant find the motivation or energy. So a lot of my life at the moment is trying to prioritise things and straighten things out in my head. The problem being if I start to think too much, my brain goes into overdrive, and things get messy.

Anyway, this is a very rambling and random post and a bit all over the place really. Kind of like my brain. Totally screwed!!
It's early, but have to get up for work breakfast at 8am, so I think I'll just go to bed. I stress slightly less when I'm sleeping, but I still have strange dreams, and I think I've been clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth in my sleep again.

I know stress is bad for me, and probably at the root of most of my health problems, but I'm not sure how to deal with it, since I am so used to it, if I'm not stressed out, I don't function very well, and also a lot of it is so subconscious, I don't even realise it, then I get the tiniest trigger (like friday's dinner) and suddenly am a wreck.

And I'm still rambling on, so will just finish with that and perhaps next time I blog I'll be more coherant.

?????????

2009-02-15T21:46:00.002+11:00

I feel pretty cruddy feeling depressed at the moment, with all the fires and so many people being affected by this tragedy. Mind you, with all the media coverage, it's hard not to get upset, even Dad, who Mum has never seen cry in the time she's known him, choked up while reading the paper the other day.

I guess the main problem at the moment is trying to figure out what to do with my life. Seems to be a continual problem with me! I might have mentioned that I do some cake decorating these days, but I think my little hobby is starting to get a bit out of hand! I made my friend's engagement cake for this weekend, which wasn't a problem, but then I found myself fielding questions about making wedding cakes (I've made one) and the like. I've had similar questions from friends of friends, it's not that I mind, I guess I just feel a bit weird making cakes for people I don't really know since I'm not a professional.
I am so busy these days, working full time, doing stuff for church, and then making cakes for people I wonder if it's getting in the way of me doing other things that are perhaps more important. My parents certainly seem to think so!
I enjoy making cakes and cake decorating. I guess it's just finding a balance, which is something I always seem to struggle with.

I'm 24 now, and finding that it's hard to make one's way in life! I'm still living at home, in a dead end job, and it's not looking like I'll be able to move out any time soon. Not only that, I have a distinct lack of any form on guy on the horizon. Now some of you might not think this is a big deal or anything to worry about, and truthfully, a while ago, it wouldn't have worried me either. I guess the problem is when looking at what I want from my life, I want a stable job that means something, where I'm actually achieving something (is that too much to ask?), a house, with a garden, a husband and a few (or more) kids, a car that runs without costing a fortune in the process.

Maybe I do want too much, maybe I'm expecting too much.

At the moment I guess all I can do is pray and hope that God will provide and guide me in the right direction, and at the same time be thankful for what I do have, a home, car (crappy though it is), a job (even if it sucks and the pay is way below lousy), friends, and of course the church and God.

Smoke from the fires even cloaks Melbourne

2009-02-15T21:37:00.004+11:00

Victorian Bushfires

2009-02-11T21:10:00.003+11:00

Well, most of the world by now have heard of the devastating bushfires that hit Victoria last Saturday night. Many towns in Victoria have been wiped out, with 95-100% of buildings razed to the ground. Last I heard the death toll was 181, but it's expected to rise, with reports of people seeking refuge in community centres and churches that were burned to the ground...the death toll could exceed those of Black Friday, Ash Wednesday and Cyclone Tracy combined. It is horrible. And the worst is that some were deliberately lit. It was the worst day in terms of weather conditions, and the fires were so intense and so fast that some had no chance to escape. Some that did were burned in their cars as they tried to escape.

The weekend before these fires, there were fires in Mirboo North and Boolara, Boolara being the worst hit. 30 homes were lost, but nowhere near the devastation of the weekend just gone. I was worried though as our church is very closely linked to a church mission in Mirboo North, the 40 Holy Martyrs parish, and we visit there every 5-6 weeks whenever possible. The people there are good friends, and some of them live in Boolara, so I was concerned, but Thank God that they are ok.

One thing to come out of these fires is the amazing generosity of the Australian people and also the world, with massive efforts going into fundraising for fire victims. Donations can be made at www.redcross.org.au
Another amazing thing is the firefighters and the fantastic job they are doing, and this amazing picture that was taken of this koala now named Sam (though she is a girl) and firefighter David Tree. This was taken by firefighters in Mirboo North.

Poor little baby had burnt feet- she was later rescued and taken to a shelter, where a male admirer has already taken a liking to her!! She drank 3 bottles of water, and it's just so amazing the way she put her little paw in his hand. The trust she shows is incredible, what a little survivor. It's something positive that has come out of something so tragic.

Please pray for all those that have lost family members, friends, and homes, and pray for the firefighters who are still battling the blazes, also for the emergency services, army and volunteers helping those left picking up the pieces, and the Forensic disaster identification teams who have the horrible job of sifting through collapsed houses to look for and identify those who couldn't escape.

A new year

2009-02-05T22:07:00.002+11:00

My goodness, it's been so long since I have posted I cant believe how much I have neglected this blog. Actually, I have neglected a lot of writing, don't get much of a chance these days- usually the few minutes of free time I have are spent trying to catch my breath or catch up on sleep (which is somewhat lacking these days).

I'm still working the same job as a lab technician in the pharmacy, I really love the people there, they're great, we get along well, they're really fun. We go out for dinner every now and then and sometimes shopping- we've done some online shopping on 'Victoria's Secret' even, which was fun!
But the job part is not so great, pretty mundane, and causes a bit of pain in the hands, though I'm swapping jobs weekly with the other lab technician which saves working the same muscles all the time. It's not like it's that physical, just a little harsh on the hands.

Well a new year and new goals, but I'm not sure if this blog is one of them! I would love to keep writing, to keep documenting, musing, discussing with people, but there are so many other commitments that I have as well it's difficult to keep up. I feel a little selfish saying this, but I want more time for myself. I need to focus on my physical (and of course emotional) health, and with full time work, church commitments and cake decorating (another hobby turned sort of job- I now make cake orders for friends), it gets pretty hard to fit even that in- let alone anything else like socializing with friends etc. *sigh*

I guess we'll see how things go...it's now 10.30pm and I want to get to bed so I can get up early get things done. May God grant all a healthy, happy and safe new year.

Discernment

2008-07-27T18:57:00.002+10:00

I am considering a serious, fairly major life change, but don't know if to take the step or not. I am praying lots for God's guidance in helping me to discern my path in life, and also whether I should take this step.
But in general, I need God's help in figuring out the path for my life anyway! I have no idea...

Working

2008-07-22T21:15:00.002+10:00

I've had serious thoughts about abandoning the blog over the last few days, being that I never get a chance to blog. I never have time to read other people's either, which isn't great, and even emailing is neglected!!
Basically, my day goes something like this: alarm goes off around 6am, eventually I drag myself out of bed, get dressed, grab pre-packed breakfast and lunch, and head off to the gym (well, I try to most mornings). Work out for about 30min, though would be better if I could get more in, my full work out. Finish workout, shower, get ready, and eat breakfast in car while driving the 5-10min from the gym to work, to start at 9am. Long day of boring work making capsules while endless orders and stock piles up behind me, and a 30min lunch break, which I often spend doing calculations so the folder of capsule formulas is finished asap. Finish work at 5.30pm and drive home in peak hour, listening to the news on the radio, get home around 6.15pm if I'm lucky. Then eat dinner around 7pm, and get breakfast and lunch ready for the next day, pack gym bag etc. Read Bible before bed, and hopefully lights out before 10pm, though doesn't always work out that way. Spare time spent cleaning room, cooking (bread for church, or meals), sometimes I get a chance to read the paper, watch a bit of tv. Often I'm out.
So basically, not much time to do stuff. Wish I had more time to do stuff, like read, play piano, blog...

Other news, been diagnosed with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, and am on a 1000 calorie a day diet which is NOT much. Very tired. Stuffing my moods up big time. Life is blah.

Anyway, promised sis the net at 9.30pm. Better go.

Update

2008-05-19T21:50:00.000+10:00

I know it’s been so long since I have posted properly, I have been meaning to, but every time I have thought to, there is always something more pressing that needs to be done. First it was the job-hunting and part-time work, now it’s a full time job and a part-time job, which means some weeks I have been working 7 days, though now I am beginning to cut back to 6 which is good. It’s also hard to always get on the internet, my sister is always on and I don’t want to kick her off because she’s doing year 12 (though a lot of the time she’s on there, she’s not actually doing school work, but I’m still not allowed to tell her to get off- bet if I tried she’d claim she was just about to start doing work!) and Mum on a lot trying to email my brother who has moved to Japan. So I’m typing this on my laptop and will post it when I can steal a minute on there!

The job-hunting was becoming quite an issue because of lack of money and parental pressure, compounded when I had a car accident and wrote off my car in early March (I was ok, just some bruising, and very shaken up). Kind of convenient that Brendan moved to Japan at the end of March, he was planning on selling his car, but now I am driving it (though it’s bloody huge and is a petrol guzzler- not so good on the finances!) and I will sell it for him later in the year when hopefully I can buy my own.

So anyway, I found a full time job. I am working 9-5.30, Monday to Friday as a lab technician for a compounding pharmacy. Basically, I make capsules all day. Occasionally I make troches or creams, but capsules are what I am in charge of. It’s not the best job in the world- the pay is shit, it is repetitive and can get boring and tedious, and isn’t really going to lead anywhere, but it’s a full time job, and I do get paid better than part time at the fruit shop, the people are nice, and it’s not stressful, so that is a bonus. I am working with hormones a lot, so have to be careful with that, had a blood test yesterday for other things too, but wanting to make sure that I don’t throw my hormones out of whack. Last thing I need at the moment!

So I am saving to pay the parents back, then hopefully get my own car. And then move out probably early next year (that is what my friend is sort of thinking and aiming for). Bit hard at the moment because I have so many overdue costs that have been accumulating, but I am getting there. Going to do a budget for myself and save as much as I can.

I have been absolutely exhausted. I am so tired, I just can’t begin to explain what it’s like. I don’t think it’s just physical tiredness, but also emotional, since the beginning of the year I have been up and down, and had a number of depressive relapses, things have not been much fun, and mostly things are on the down side. The job stuff was really stressful, and the parental pressure, as well as the pressure from myself really wasn’t helping, then the car made things so much worse (I couldn’t even call my parents after the crash because I thought they would be so mad at me, I called Fr Geoff and didn’t call them until him and Janet had helped sort me out). Being so busy as well meant I couldn’t take time out that I needed to recuperate, not helping things either! Now I am working, things are starting to settle down a little, though working 2 jobs is really taking it’s toll. I am getting into some sort of routine, but getting up in the mornings is so difficult when I am still feeling down, and the cold weather is definitely not helping that. I joined the gym last week, in an attempt to help my health, and I’m trying to go before work. I need to loose about 20kg- I’m sick of Mum telling me I need to loose weight and that I am ‘letting myself go’- I know I need to loose it, I know how unfit I am, and I know my eating habits are not very good- I tend to comfort eat, and well, there’s been a lot of that lately! (like the last 5 years…) As well, I’m totally unfit, and need to loose it for health reasons…

I really want to get out of home too. Most of the time things are ok, but I hate walking on eggshells when someone is in a bad mood (Elise has been so crappy lately, I’m trying to be patient and not to snap back, but it’s annoying!). And I want my own independence. But of course, financially, that’s impossible at the moment, and it’s not going to be easy unless I get a better paid job! But since I have no idea what I want to do, I am going to stick it out until I have a some idea.

In all this, how am I staying sane? (well, depending on how far you want to stretch the definition of sane I guess) I don’t know what I would do without my faith, without God and the support of the church. Without confession, and the Divine Liturgy, the Bible, our Orthodox Christian Fellowship group, and of course the strength and grace that comes from Holy Communion. Icons, my prayer rope and the Jesus prayer can bring comfort when things get so bad I can’t focus. All these things God has granted us through the church so that we can get by during these times. I am having so much trouble coping, things are so difficult, and this is with my faith!!! I am glad that I know God is with me, even though I don’t always ‘feel’ his presence, or comfort or joy, I know He is with me. And that will have to be enough.

Anyway, better end it here or this wont get posted. Hoping and praying things will calm down and become more settled, and that it will help with health and tiredness etc. and then, I will be able to post more and visit you all more!! I have so much catching up to do.

God’s Blessings to all.

Christ is Risen!

2008-04-27T11:29:00.003+10:00

Truly He is Risen!

Christ is risen from the dead! Trampling down death by death! And upon those in the tombs, bestowing Life!
Thou didst descend into the tomb, O Immortal. Thou didst destroy the power of death. In victory didst Thou arise, O Christ God, proclaiming "Rejoice" to the myrrh-bearing women, granting peace to Thy Apostles, and bestowing resurrection on the fallen.

Christ is Risen (byzantine)- good shepherd Choir.mp3 (click to listen)

A very Holy and Blessed Pascha to you all. God Bless.
Love Rachel (Ilinca) xoxo

Holy Saturday

2008-04-26T08:03:00.004+10:00

The noble Joseph, when he had taken down Your most pure Body from the Tree wrapped it in fine linen and anointed it with spices and placed it in a new tomb.

Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit.

When You descended to death, O Life immortal You slayed Hell with the splendour of Your Godhead. And when from the depths they raised the dead, all the powers of Heaven cried out; "O Giver of Life, Christ our God, glory unto You!"

Now and ever and unto ages of ages. Amen.

The Angel came to the Myrrh-bearing women at the Tomb and said, "Myrrh is fitting for the dead, but Christ has shown Himself a stranger to corruption."

the noble joseph- good shepherd choir.mp3 (click to listen)

Good Friday

2008-04-25T17:49:00.008+10:00

Today is hung upon the Tree, He Who suspended the Earth upon the waters. A crown of thorns crowns Him, Who is the King of Angels. He is wrapped about with the purple of mockery, Who wrapped the Heavens in clouds. He was struck, Who freed Adam in the

Jordan

. He was transfixed with nails, Who is the Bridegroom of the Church. He was pierced with a spear, Who is the Son of the Virgin. We worship Your Passion, O Christ Show us also Your glorious Resurrection.

15th antiphon- james and good shepherd choir.mp3 (click to listen)

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2008-03-17T19:27:00.003+11:00

Going to try for a proper post tomorrow...

My Chrismation

2008-02-11T16:20:00.001+11:00

It was a beautiful and really special day. Mum, Dad, Elise, Nana and Grandpa, Nana (Pops had another church commitment), Judy and Jane all came to share it with me, as well as the wonderful Good Shepherd Parish who have welcomed me with open arms.

Reading the Creed, the Holy Symbol and declaration of faith.

Being anointed with the Holy Chrism, receiving the seal of the Holy Spirit.

Receiving Holy Eucharist in the Orthodox church for the first time!

Becoming Orthodox

2008-02-07T15:54:00.000+11:00

Well, finally I have set a date for my Chrismation- it is happening this Sunday! I am excited, but a bit nervous too. Actually, I think I'm more nervous than excited...
I am excited that I will be able to receive Holy Eucharist though, while I was going to Mass when I could last year at uni, this year I'm not at uni, so haven't had Eucharist since Christmas. And because I'm at church Saturday night and Sunday mornings, there are really no other times for me to go. So that is the main reason, but I also love the church, and agree with the theology and teachings- often they make so much more sense to me than some of the western doctrines I have already been taught! As my to-be Orthodox God-mother said to me last night, all forms of Christianity are Christianity, and have the same doctrines and teachings, but Orthodoxy seems to have the fullness of those teachings, it includes those little bits that you miss out on. Another good piece of wisdom she bestowed on me, was that it's a bit like moving countries: you love living in Australia, but every now and then you miss some of the stuff you had in England (I mean I've always lived in Australia, but you get my drift?). And that doesn't mean you don't 'visit' from time to time. A part of me is still going to be Catholic because my family is Catholic, and I will still read writings that are considered to be Catholic or Protestant, because they still strengthen me in my faith. A word of wisdom from my priest- "you can say where they Holy Spirit is, but you can't say where it is not". We cant say that another church hasn't got the Holy Spirit among them, we don't know that. If that makes sense.

Speaking of reading...something I am trying to get back into. I am really trying to read a lot of faith strengthening stuff at the moment, because I really need it!! Especially when it comes to relationships. I just read a really great book called "I kissed dating goodbye" by Joshua Harris. Very challenging. I'm going to read it again and take notes. I am still going to catechism classes on Wednesday nights, and they are also great.
One of the best things I have got from the Good Shepherd has been the community that it's given me. While I had community and more people my own age at Bayside, I didn't really have a mentor figure to guide me that well. I tried a few people, but wasn't always sucessful. I had my friends of course, and they were brilliant, and of course Judy, one of the uni chaplains (who is absolutely wonderful, and I feel so honoured that she is coming to my chrismation on Sunday), but I just didn't have that one mentor figure within the church that I have now. And also, because the Good Shepherd is smaller, it's easier to know everyone, and there is more of that sense of community- quite often I would feel a bit left out at Bayside because it's so big.

Anyway, I'm still looking for work. One of the most miserable and discouraging things I have ever done in my life. I don't seem to be qualified enough for anything. Everyone wants experience, and if there's a job I think I can do, they have one thing in the key criteria I can't address.
So blogs and emails are still getting neglected. I just don't seem to have the energy at the end of the day to deal with them- and half the other things I should be doing as well. I'm trying to get off unnecessary medications, and take more vitamins, like spirulina (more natural) and iron, to increase my energy. Early days so far.
Actually, I am hoping that regular Holy Eucharist will help- while I still get some of the energies from the Divine liturgy (though often having to work and leave early reduces the peace I receive), Holy Eucharist is so important, being a means through which we receive God's divine energy of grace. I miss not having it.

Anyway, off to finish other things that need to be done- like job applications, blah.

God Bless.

Happy Australia Day

2008-01-28T18:32:00.001+11:00

Happy Australia Day! Ok, I know it was the 26th, but today is the holiday....and I wanted to post this photo!
At the moment my main priority is job applications, of course in between work! Hopefully once I get going I'll feel a bit better, and something will come of it!

The Future

2008-01-22T08:44:00.000+11:00

Try as I might to live in the present and not get so caught up about the future and the unknown, my thoughts are inevitably drawn to what is to come. Perhaps this is because we are eternal beings? Our minds cannot stay still in the present? But then, why are we so often drawn to our past also?

At this very present moment, Scout is tearing round with his new teddy- he destroyed the one I got him for Christmas within an hour of opening it. I got him a new one yesterday as dad threw the remains of the other one out. He runs round with it in his mouth, then drops is, and slides along the floor as he tries to grab it back again. We are trying to teach him that teddy is an inside toy and to be gentle, but judging by the fact that he is shaking it violently side to side in his mouth, I don't think we are getting very far....

I am lucky I have a stupid dog to make me laugh! He really is still like a puppy (he's 7 in June).

But I digress....despite the laughter that Scout provides, I have been depressed again. A combination of things I am sure, but a lot is a concern about the future, what is to come, what I am going to do etc.
My life is incredibly unstructured at the moment. And I think a lack of structure isn't helping. I want to structure a timetable for myself, so that I can achieve all that I want to, but chances are I'll over structure and not be able to follow. Also, work is not always rigid, and my hours have been changing a lot. Now that they are getting fairly constant, hopefully that will help.
I've also been trying to clean my room- once my room is organised, with my books in alphabetical order (I did my cds yesterday) and my drawers organised, then I think I will feel better too. If my room is in order, at least part of my life is, and since my room is my refuge...well you get the point.
And of course, when I get a job...*sigh* There is so much pressure at the moment, both from myself and outsiders. And so much unknown too. If I thought there were something I could do and enjoy (a bit at least), but I really have no idea. I don't necessarily want to be employed in a science area, but of course, mum and dad think I should, being that I've 'wasted' 5 years doing the degree...

Add to this, God is also throwing some real challenges at me at the moment. I want to talk about them with someone, but sort of feel that I cant or shouldn't. I don't know really!

I thought it would be interesting to revisit the goals I posted in July last year. After all, there's no point in having goals without evaluating your progress of them. And being the beginning of a new year and all, there are also new goals I should be thinking about.

5 short term goals

Finish Honours (preferably with H1- the highest grade)
Get a job
Get chrismated Orthodox
Pay Mum and Dad back
Move out with my friend Lyndal

Well, the first goal I did, finished honours, although not with an H1. I was really disappointed, and actually cried about it (first time I think I've ever cried over grades), I was only one mark off which was so frustrating.
The next 4 still stand, although hopefully getting a job is very close, and being chrismated I am hoping in the next month...I am going to catechism classes Wednesday nights, and they are really great. I am learning heaps, it's a great group, and they are fun, and I enjoy them! (to enjoy something is really very special, especially during the times I get really depressed).
Once I get a job I can pay mum and dad and my sister back. Though first I need to get my car serviced, and I'm sure my rego is due in February as well- blah.
And once I have paid mum and dad back and have some money behind me, I will be moving out with Lyndal. I hope.

6 long term goals

Get married and have kids
Visit the Holy Land
Do some sort of aid work in Africa and/or outback Australia
Keep up with my piano (and learn to play the whole of Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata"- I can only play the first movement, and I don't practice enough)
Help people
Develop a routine of prayer and learn to live a monastic life within the community

Well these goals still stand also. Getting married and having kids still stands, although perhaps before that I should have 'be in stable, loving, Christian relationship aiming for marriage'. That, for me, seems like it will never happen, putting the marriage and kids one out of reach. But, this isn't really something you can work on, once in the relationship, yes, but I think finding someone is more in God's hands. It's not that I am not looking, but I am not actively looking more to the point. Argh, it's complicated.
I would still love to visit the Holy Land (and numerous other places). I'm thinking that once I want to start saving for a holiday, that will be it. Though circumstances may change of course. And I would still really love to do aid work in Africa. Fr Themi is in Sierra Leone now, I would love to go there and help him.
Piano playing (and maybe guitar) isn't happening. Part of having a structure in life, I would like to try for at least 30 min of practice a day. I wanted to buy my old French Horn off the school as well and take that up again, but they wouldn't sell it to me. Perhaps one day when I have some money I'll buy another second hand one (found a really good website for them).
Help people- hmm, a bit vague. I think I do help people in some way, whether it be by helping at church, or driving people, or listening to a friend. I'm not sure what I mean by this one. Perhaps more specific would be, 'have a job where I can help people'.
And having a routine of prayer and living a monastic life- for every 3 steps forward, I swear I take at least 2 back. This is one I need help on I think. And once again, structure. I have however, created a prayer/icon corner in my room, which, although I should be using every day for prayers, I don't always, often prayer is more spontaneous during the day- but that doesn't mean I shouldn't have the regular morning and evening prayer times at my icon corner. I think what I need to do is start small, and keep moving forward. (I seem to start big and go backwards!).

5 blogging goals

Post all the memes I have been tagged with- this includes the 8 random facts one from Elena Maria, the Jesus meme from Crystal, and another, not really a meme, but bunch of questions that Crystal had on her blog a while back
Post about my great-grandmother (Grannan) who died in March and about her life
Write- and then post- some more poetry on Mere Flesh
A discussion about purity and chastity- my thoughts
My "conversion" story- what brought me back to the church 3 years ago (only 3 years? it feels so much longer!)

Well, I have posted some of the memes- I half did the Jesus meme ages ago and completely forgot to finish and post it! Just found it again. I will aim for doing it this week.
Haven't posted about Grannan yet, but I would still like to do it. She had an interesting early life. I'm really interested in family history and stuff. Grandpa is tracing our family tree at the moment and it's really interesting. His step-grandfather was a herbalist! I find that pretty cool, as I have always been interested in herbs and teas and their properties in health. He had a shop opposite the tram depot, and Grandpa remembers the tram drivers coming in and drinking chamomile tea. Grandpa gave me some really cool photos the other day, one from a 1924 wedding (Grandpa's grandmother's brother) and one from a 1950 wedding (Grandpa's grandmother's brother's daughter). Perhaps another long term goal for me would be to trace the other side (dad's side) of the family.
Writing...there's a lot of stuff up there, but getting it out is the problem. Last few days I have been wanted to but haven't. But I do want to keep my writing up, so perhaps structuring it into my day would be a good idea. I think I also need to structure in blog reading, writing and emails!
Still want to do the discussion on purity and chastity. It will come. Eventually. I hope.
And still want to do my 'conversion' story. I cant remember if I've done a history of my depression- perhaps that too. I know I've got some stuff on these started...somewhere.

Some other goals I guess would be:

trying to be healthier- eating healthier, exercising lots, and loosing the excess weight
trying to keep as many of the fasts as possible even though I'm at home still
having more structured day so that I can fit all the things in that I want to do, such as music practice, writing, blogging etc.

That's probably enough to 'worry' about for now!

Anyway, I'm going to go and get ready for work, with any luck I'll have a bit of time to clean out a drawer before I go...

Happy New Year

2008-01-15T10:28:00.000+11:00

A very happy new year to everyone, albeit a little bit of a belated wish there! May God Bless you all abundantly in this coming year.

I have been working a lot lately, which will account for my lack of presence on the internet over these last few months. Here is me thinking that uni would make me have a blogging break, and I end up having more of a break when I finish! I guess with uni, I was on the computer, and hooked up to the net all the time, whereas at home, there is only one computer connected to the net, and when I am running round like a mad person, I just tend to forget about blogging etc.
Actually, I have been thinking about blogging a bit over the last few days at work, knowing that I had to get back on, and thinking about the year ahead. I guess it's that time of the year when you are looking at what the year ahead has in store.

So what does the year have in store for me? I really have no idea! I have to work on my resume and start applying for full time work, once I am working full time I need to pay back all the money I owe people (mainly mum and dad really), and then I want to get a bit of money behind me so I can hopefully be moved out by the end of the year. And that is about as far as plans go. (Oh, and I plan on getting chrismated very soon!!) I have no idea what kind of work I am going to be doing. Or anything else really. I don't really want to plan things out too much yet at this stage. I am feeling under enough pressure with things at the moment without trying to set a whole other stack of goals that will potentially put more pressure one me. I know that may sound strange, but that will come when things have settled down a bit.

Christmas was great, though I was so tired after working in the lead up, and Christmas Eve I went to two church services (mass with family and then Divine Liturgy at the Good Shepherd) and didn't get home until 1am. Needless to say, Christmas day, I slept after lunch for a bit, and then again after dinner for a bit. Lunch we went to Dad's sister's, dinner to Mum's brother's. I got some great books, lots of Orthodox ones, so I am looking forward to getting stuck back into reading (I hardly read anything last year except for journal papers- and the last Harry Potter book!!!)

Sunday 2 weeks ago was Theophany (or Epiphany) would have liked to have posted a bit about that, I think I did a good post last year on the sermon...I love Theophany, the prayers of the service are amazing, and there is something so special about drinking the newly blessed Holy water. It is always so sweet! I think partly because of the basil put in there, but it seems there is also something more...

A few days before Theophany I had a few friends round for dinner (a few, ok, I invited more than 30 and there were probably about 25 over the course of the night), which was a good way of catching up with people. I saw so few of my friends last year, so it was nice to do something, although I was so busy in the lead up, cooking and getting ready for it. I am always paranoid about not having enough food, but I think I made enough for about 50 people...everyone seemed to have a good time though, and liked the food.

Mum and Dad and the rest of the family were away for 2 weeks, they just got back saturday gone (hence having people round!!) Was sort of nice to have the house to myself, but I was so busy I couldn't really enjoy it that much (at least I didn't have to worry about cleaning up straight away though if I was stuffed!).

January is a strange time of year for me. I tend to get really depressed and quite lonely. I am not sure why it is, when I was at school, holidays were the best time of the year, but as I reached uni, I became depressed all year round. And now January is just strange, I tend to go a bit crazy. At least this year not as badly as last year though! I think it could be something to do with it being holidays, but still having to worry about working when others have time off, being alone in the house while the family are on holiday (though I do like the peace), and perhaps a bit of Christmas let down in there too...who knows. Certainly with work, I get really depressed at work, it's is quiet and I am on my own a lot, if there isn't much to do it gets really boring too, and it's hard on the feet and the knee. At least I had yesterday off.

I really need some refection time, some time out with God to think about my life for this year...relationships...all sorts of things. I guess it will come...

So much more I want to post, but I have to work very soon, and haven't started getting ready yet! I will try not to leave things quite so long again.

Here is some family fun from Christmas dinner. My sister Elise HATES any form of seafood, including fish, and she said she'd eat an oyster for $20. Lol

Merry Chrisitmas to all!

2007-12-24T08:20:00.000+11:00

Good grief, Christmas really is the silly season! I have been so flat out working, and when not at work, baking, I was thinking, no problem, as long as I post before Christmas...but all of a sudden, GARGHH, it's Christmas eve, and I have to work all day before rushing off to 2 church services! I am so exhausted too, at this rate, I'm going to sleep through Christmas! Thank GOD Boxing day is a break!!

Anyway, I've jumped on before work to wish everyone a wonderful Christmas, a safe, happy and restful holiday season, and blessings for the new year- may God grant you health, happiness, peace and love in the coming year.

Enjoy time with your family and loved ones and take care of yourselves, don't drink and drive, or drive when you are exhausted!

Christ is Born, Glorify Him!

Greek-Australia relations

2007-11-17T20:35:00.000+11:00

Lol, I just had to post this, it's brilliant!

FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-11-12T15:23:00.000+11:00

Woohoo, I have FINALLY finished uni!!! I handed my thesis in friday, but had a flat out weekend and no time to post. I am SO relieved that I finally got it done and that it's all over. No more study for me, well, not at uni next year anyway. Now I have to think about getting a job...what kind of job I guess more to the point.
Here is my thesis (80 pages including title page, and 129 graphs that I had to do!)

and the acknowledgements (paragraph of interest 2nd from bottom)

zoom in on that (or click to enlarge either image)

I've also managed to get saturday in 2 weeks time off work so I can go on the Antiochian Church Orthodox Youth (ACOY) retreat that weekend. The topics look really good, the ones I am most interested in are: 'a day in the life of an Orthodox Christian', 'Here I am Lord, send me', and 'Relationships and marriage'. Should be good.

And I finally got round to making those cupcakes!! These are the vegan chocolate cherry cupcakes I make for church on Sunday.

It's been a busy weekend, and I'm busy this week too, just trying to piece my life back together now I have it back. And I still have stuff to do at uni- going in to clean up stuff Wednesday, and my supervisor wants me to do a poster for a conference in a few weeks. But I'm going to try and get back on track with everyone and do stuff I've been wanting to do for ages!

THANKYOU to you all for being so wonderful and supportive this year :)

Final presentation

2007-10-30T17:14:00.000+11:00

Apologies for lack of communication at the moment, weekends are always flat out because I work all day saturdays, not helped by the fact that I have been sick all weekend and ended up in bed all day sunday. Of all the times to get sick!!
Tomorrow I am giving my final oral presentation for honours. The talks are spread out over the next two days, but I am the fourth speaker (of 18), so I'm speaking first in the group after lunch at 1.30pm.
Please keep me in your prayers for both of these!

But once I've done this talk, it's just the thesis that I need to finish so I'll be able to focus on that, instead of worrying about this talk as well. I hope to get it done as soon as possible, it's due next friday, but it would be good to not be running round at the last minute trying to print and bind it etc.
Then I'm free!!....to start looking for a job...blah
(everyone today is filling out their applications to do a PhD next year- they're due tomorrow. I am SO NOT doing a PhD next year, I need a break from uni and study for a bit).

I have an overwhelming urge to do a huge spring clean of my room, a big tidy up and throw some stuff out, reorganise everything. I also feel like making cupcakes. If anyone needed anymore proof that stress does crazy things to you, there it is. (cupcakes!??! I don't think I've ever made them before in my life! I'm a muffin girl)

Anyway, I'll be on a bit of a blogging and blog visiting break for the next week or so. I'll try to stay in touch, but apologies now for delays in replying and reading posts etc.

Thankyou all and God Bless.

THANKYOU Marie and Ginny

2007-10-25T17:12:00.000+10:00

Marie and Ginny have awarded me a bouquet for my blogs! Flowers? For me? *blushes* (certainly not something I receive everyday!)
This week's other bouquet receiver is Paula, and I strongly recommend that if you have not visited Paula's blog, or Marie and Ginny's blog, that you should visit! They have wonderful wisdom and insights to share, and their blogs are spiritually challenging and uplifting. I have learnt SO much from them and they are truly beautiful souls.

Thankyou so much Marie and Ginny, it does mean a lot to me to have you as friends (and all of my other blogging friends of course) but also, it means a lot to know that this blog counts for something, that it's not just my insane ramblings (though it may sometimes feel like that). When I started this blog, I wasn't really sure what I wanted to achieve, I don't think I had any goals in particular, but I did think to myself, that if this blog helped and/or inspired just ONE person in the world, then it would be worth it.
And it's good to know also that people are reading my Mere Flesh Poetry blog, I was thinking of giving it up, but recent comments have inspired me to keep going, and I hope that once uni is finished I will be writing more regularly, and posting more there, as well as covering a lot of topics on here also. As Marie said, some of the stuff on Mere Flesh IS confronting, but the most confronting stuff is often what is written when I am facing the worst times, and offers a window into the black world of depression- at a time when I am otherwise unable to express myself, it is this poetry that comes out.

As for uni....hanging in there, not long now. I am not around in blogland as often as I'd like, but I hope to be round more regularly when uni finishes.

Thankyou all for your continued prayers and support. May God abundantly bless you and your loved ones.

I hate excel!!!

2007-10-18T21:04:00.000+10:00

Heading: self explanatory. I was dreaming excel last night!!

There are 6 of us still going in the office, 5 honours students, and Giorgio a post-grad (he understands, he did honours last year). Oh and one rabbit. And LOTS of chocolate and lollies. We ordered pizza for dinner.

But the bunny rabbit is SOOO cute! We think it's a "she" and the post-grads have named her Pipette. She's only a baby, and is hopping round quite happy exploring. And we are quite happy to watch such a cute distraction! Though she has already peed and pooped on me. But she's still cute!

Giorgio took some pictures and emailed them to me.

Quote to ponder

2007-10-18T09:18:00.000+10:00

"Then a woman said 'speak to us of joy and sorrow'. And he answered, 'Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the self-same well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy that you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?'"

Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"

God and Suffering

2007-10-14T13:25:00.000+10:00

I was writing an email to a friend going through a rough time the other day, and actually thought that perhaps what I was writing could be of benefit to others out there....I'm not sure if it would be, it's very much based on my experiences of what I have been through.
Writing it though, and re-reading it, there is certainly a lot in there that I need to remind myself of when I am feeling down. As I mention, sometimes the darkness is so thick that nothing can penetrate through it, we are completely overwhelmed. A lot of this stuff we know in our heads, but we need to learn it in our hearts....

"...what I was thinking about....it kind of has something to do with Fr Geoff's sermon on Sunday, about the thorn in the flesh, but it wasn't his sermon that made me think about it to start with.
I guess it has a lot to do with the concept of pain and suffering. there is no doubt that when you're in the midst of extreme mental anguish, you can see no light, it is SO hard to see that things will be better again, that this could lead to any good, that you will ever even feel happiness again. it's a horrible, horrible thing. you know, the first time I went to the Good Shepherd, when I came away, I couldn't describe how I felt. it was so strange. I kept going, and after a few weeks I realised what it was- happiness. I had not experienced it for so long, I had actually forgotten what it felt like! and it's not hard to do when you are so down that you just cannot see any light. it's hard to communicate with God, he seems totally distant and uncaring, and it's even easy to get angry with Him for causing all the pain and suffering, you think why me, why cant it go back to the way things were before??
now, I don't believe that God causes suffering. but sometimes I think he allows it to happen. why? because sometimes, it's the only way we can grow, the only way that God can guide and mould us into the person he plans for us to be, the purpose He has designed for us. seems a little cruel to put it that way, like a cruel God trying to refine us into what He wants, but as I said, He doesn't cause it, merely allows it, but uses our suffering to our good- if we also allow him to shape us in turn.

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains; it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world..." CS Lewis

"Great faith is the product of great fights, great testimonies are the outcome of great tests. Great triumphs can only come after great trials." Smith Wigglesworth

So where am I going with this? I'm not sure either...I am certainly not trying to minimise the pain that you are experiencing at the moment. Nor do I want to take any validation away from that pain. The pain is there, and it is great, it needs to be acknowledged. I can understand pain. I can understand the darkness that comes from these times, a darkness so thick that it seems that light would be unable to penetrate it. But it shapes us, unmistakeably, it leaves it's mark with us for the rest of our lives.
Maybe God is using this time to teach you something that you needed to learn....maybe, God is using this time to strengthen you...
on the other hand, maybe that's not God's plan. maybe He has another brilliant plan for you, but you're just not ready for it yet. I don't know, I am certainly not one who is going to pretend that I have some idea of God's plans for us. and God is God- he can be pretty unpredictable too. I used to say when I joined the Orthodox church from the Pentecostal church (which of course is all about expecting if from God and receiving it- never mind about what God wants!)- "me and God have reached an understanding: I'm not going to try and understand Him!"
I guess the whole purpose of this is that there IS hope and light. I don't expect you to understand or to see that. in fact, I totally understand if you don't. I just want you to know that- even if you don't/cant believe it right now. I guess it's just one small thing to hold on to. I KNOW how hard it is to listen to this and think "but that's not me, there is no hope, I will never see the light again"- hell, I still have times where I think I'll never come out of my dark patch, spiral off out of control, but each time, I get a little stronger, and I can remember that things WILL get better, eventually (hate that word!), that God IS in control, He will NOT let me suffer beyond what I can bear, even though every time I think I am past breaking point and I could not bear anything else, God has an amazing way of stretching us beyond what we "think" we can bear without breaking us in the process..."

For anyone interested

2007-10-12T14:49:00.000+10:00

A quick one while I remember- for any Aussie's out there who are interested (sorry to everyone over seas- though you can check out the website!), on ABC Sunday night 9.25pm, Compass is doing a series called The Abbey- summed up, "Can 5 ordinary Australian women live the life of an enclosed nun for 33 days and nights".
Check ourguide.com.au to make sure of times (just in case!)
Check out the website here for more information about it!

Bad Bird!

2007-10-12T09:44:00.000+10:00

I always knew seagulls were evil...

"A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a
neighbourhood shop. The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't
looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of
cheese Doritos. Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by
other birds.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped
into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of
chips. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type
of chips. Customers have begun paying for the seagulls stolen bags of
chips because they think it's so funny."

(click picture to see short video)

Procrastination and new socks

2007-10-10T15:11:00.000+10:00

Yep, I'm procrastinating! But only for a few minutes, I promise...I just wanted to post some random stuff.

Sunday (well, technically monday..) was my one year anniversary of being at The Good Shepherd!! A whole year! And I still love it. Coincidentally, one of the choir members, Jane, gave me something she'd had for me for a while- she saw them at the markets and thought she just had to buy them for me...

MUSICAL NOTE SOCKS!!!!!! How awesome are they!! I love them :)

And while speaking of wonderful friends, Grace had a great post this morning about loving oneself and tips for self-esteem. Something I certainly struggle with. And she sent me an email the other day that I thought was very worth sharing, called "You are a beautiful soul", something I really needed to hear and heed at the moment!

On another note, I thought I would post a picture of where I am spending most of my time at the moment- the honours students office! There are supposed to be 14 of us that share it....good thing that most don't use it!! And you can see the wonderful view we have from our windows....

But wait!! We do actually have one window....

......yeah.....in the door! One of the guys mentioned the other day it's sort of like a room that warps time- you go in and then come out and it's dark, and your like "what happened to the day!!" Or you think you're hungry but it's too early for lunch then look at your watch and realise it's already 2pm....

And this is my lovely working space, that seems to keep expanding as I accumulate more junk.

Ok, time to get back to work. I am really struggling with all this, I feel so stressed and overwhelmed it's almost as if it's not worth even trying to finish anymore. But I have to just get it over and done with for good!

Blessings to all of my absolutely and fantasticly wonderful friends!!! and thankyou for the continued prayers and support.

Bloggers praying for world peace

2007-10-09T13:48:00.001+10:00

Marie and Ginny have started the initiative of bloggers praying for world peace. They invite all Christian bloggers to come together and pray for world peace by placing a prayer for world peace on their blogs each week. It's an absolutely wonderful idea, and I hope that many will join in this endeavor!

It did get me thinking a lot though about world peace- what does world peace entail? There are so many things that need fixing in the world, so many problems that we see, sometimes I think that the concept of world peace can seem impossible and beyond us- but NOTHING is impossible or beyond God. And that is what we need to remember.

So I thought, in my prayers for world peace, not only will I pray for world peace in general, but also for the things that can lead to this- to pray for our leaders, to be guided to make the right choices; for the people, to love and forgive, rather than hate and fight; for the things that we see on the news that make us cry and wonder where God is in all this....

Glory be to the Father and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit....

God almighty,

we ask that you send down your Holy Spirit among us and all people

that You would work in us to strive for world peace.

That we may follow the example of Your Son, Jesus Christ,

to live in peace and do all things in love,

and to show all people the mercy that you bestow on us.

Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy.

Father almighty, maker of Heaven and earth, set up Your Kingdom in our midst.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Holy Spirit, Breath of the Living God, renew me and all the world.

...now and forever and unto the ages of ages, Amen.

nothing new

2007-10-03T21:02:00.000+10:00

Not much new here. Was hoping to have finished the introduction to my thesis by last night. This morning, I was hoping to have finished by this afternoon. This afternoon, by tonight. It would be good if I could get it and the methods done by friday....then I'll have 2 weeks for the rest of my genotyping, analysis and discussion- which wont really be enough, but it's something.

I'm really depressed. I want to cut so bad.
I want to go home because I'm tired- but I don't because I haven't finished my introduction yet.
I want to go home because it's late and my lower back hurts from sitting at the computer all day- but I don't because I don't want to go home and be tempted to cut.

I want to cry, I just feel so miserable. I just need this to be over!

God, I really need your strength right now...

Mathetes Award

2007-09-30T17:27:00.000+10:00

Crystal and Jackie have both awarded me the Mathetes Award for excellence in Discipleship. Certainly a surprise to me, I am honoured to be chosen, though I feel a little undeserving of such an award! Thankyou to you both.

The rules of the award are:
"Winners of this award must pick five other “disciples” to pass it on to. As you pass it on, I just ask that you mention and provide links for (1) this post (also read more about it here) as the originator of the award (Dan King of management by God), (2) the person that awarded it to you, and then (3) name and sites of the five that you believe are fulfilling the role of a disciple of Christ."

So, I pass this award on to:

Mark from Theology and whatever else (and his old Theology blog is great too)
Ian from Exploring Orthodoxy
Joanne from Time out with the Lord
Dymphna from Dymphna's Well
Bill from Dying man's Daily Journal

Prayers

2007-09-25T19:24:00.000+10:00

Thankyou to all of you for your thoughts and prayers- it is much appreciated.

I'm struggling with a lot of stuff at the moment (the picture from last week still stands), but this week, so far, things have been perhaps a bit easier.
It's difficult, as one of the ways I cope is by distracting myself- helping others, cooking, cleaning, reading, going for drives etc. - but I can do none of these at the moment because every moment I am always preoccupied with the thought of uni and what needs to be done- there is so much! I cant seem to get enough work done. Not helped by moments of hopelessness when I can do nothing but sit and stare into space, or I will collapse in a sobbing wreck....

Other circumstances make things hard also- please pray for my aunty who got out of hospital today after attempting suicide last friday night. It's not the first time, and I am surprised that they let her out so soon. They wanted to keep her in but she refused, and said she'd loose her job if she didn't go to work...
Aside from it being my aunty (who I am fairly close to but haven't had the chance to see her much this year because of uni), it's an issue close to my heart that brings up a lot of stuff for me too, and I feel terrible for her to be in such a horrible place.

Anyway, thankyou all again. It's going to take a lot to get through this- God give me strength, because I don't know if I have any left...

Today...

2007-09-21T09:40:00.001+10:00

...is just not shaping up to be a good day....last night was bad....things are just not good....

BBQ at Kate's

2007-09-18T19:01:00.001+10:00

Remember my friend Kate who was in a coma? Well, she got out of hospital and went into rehab a few weeks ago, and even though she has another 3-4 months of rehab, they let her out for a day on Sunday, so there was a welcome home bbq at her house.

It was SO great to see her, and she looked really well (much better than last time I saw her!!). It was awesome to catch up with her, to see her so well and so full of spirit and hope. It's been a really tough time for her and her family, and she has a long road ahead too, so please continue to keep her in your prayers. She thanks all who have been praying for her too- it really means a lot. So THANKYOU ALL!!!!!!!!!

Kate with the Bayside crowd (the one with me in was blurry so not going to post it!).

Back: Michelle, Florence, Laura, Glenda and her husband. Front: Amy and Kate

As for me: 6 weeks of uni to go! Things are really tough at the moment and there is a lot of work to get done in that time. Last night I didn't leave uni till midnight. So forgive me for my lack of posting, emails and blog reading- I will have a lot to catch up on when November roles around!

Elevation of the Holy Cross

2007-09-14T18:55:00.000+10:00

Today is one of the 12 Great feasts of the Orthodox church, the Elevation (or Exaltation) of the Holy Cross.
Last night, our church celebrated with a Vesperal liturgy, which was very beautiful. The chants are really touching, and the whole service really, and we had the opportunity to kiss a fragment of the most Holy Cross of Christ- what a blessing!

Troparion
O Lord save Your people, and bless your inheritance, granting to Your people victory, over all their enemies. And by the power of Your cross, preserving Your Kingdom.

Chant (while venerating the cross)
Before Your cross, we bow down in worship, O Master, and Your Holy Resurrection, we Glorify.

One of the Old Testament readings was Exodus 15:22-27, that tells of the Israelites in the desert coming across bitter water- The Lord commands Moses to throw in a log, which makes the water sweet and drinkable.
Fr Geoff used this in his sermon- the water is like life, quite often it can be bitter and hard for us to bear or "drink". But when we throw in the Cross of Christ, what happened on the cross, what God did (and still does) for us, life becomes sweet again!
I had never heard that passage used in this context, and was amazed! What a wonderful way of applying Christ's death and resurrection to our life!
(I love to learn of the ways in which the old testament ties in so well with the new testament, and the way the father's of the church have interpreted some passages!).

God's Blessings to all!

Fly Camp

2007-09-07T08:05:00.000+10:00

This weekend I'm off to the Australian Insect Molecular Biology Meeting in Toolangi. (aka fly camp)
Trying to be positive, it will be good to get a chance of scenery. The Yarra Valley is a beautiful place.
Think I am up to date with my emails, less up to date with my blog reading....!

This week I have tried to get so much stuff done it's just been ridiculous. As well as going to a lecture by Fr Themi, and making a cheesecake (mars bar) for his fund-raiser on Saturday night (that of course I cant go to- bit sad about that).

I don't know if I am driving up there or not, one of the other girls in the lab was going to, but she is really sick, so it might be me. I don't mind, except that my car is not great, really desperately needs a service (was due in Feb gone!) and is making strange noises- I just turn the radio up more so I cant hear them!! I'm sure it will be fine.

So hope you all have a great weekend, and I will be back to catch up again by Monday!
God Bless

Unsung Hero

2007-09-03T09:15:00.000+10:00

This weekend was the 10th anniversary of the death of Princess Diana. But I want to talk about another anniversary that occurred this weekend: the day after Princess Diana died, my mother was diagnosed with a rare lung disease called Lymphangioleiomyomatosis (LAM for short- there is a link in my section to the left). She had just had her second operation for a collapsed lung, the first being 1990 when she was pregnant with my sister Elise.

When she was told, the Doctor walked in with barely any information, except that the only cure was lung transplant, and within 10 years she could be dead, or looking at lung transplant. Mum sat there thinking "well, at least I'm not 36 and dead in a car accident..."

More is known about it now, it's caused my a mutation in a gene that is involved in the cell proliferation cycle- this mutation causes the proliferation of smooth muscle tissue in the lungs, causing cysts, and decreasing the lung capacity. These cysts can burst, causing lung collapse, which needs to be dealt with through operations. The disease is progressive, some women can deteriorate rapidly, others more slowly.
Interestingly, it only effects women. Female hormones can cause changes in the progression of the disease- pregnancy rapidly increases deterioration, and hormone replacement therapy during menopause is not an option.

10 years later, we are lucky and blessed that Mum has experienced slow progression. It's only in the most recent years that she gets puffed more easily and has shown a decrease in her lung capacity tests. She doesn't need oxygen therapy, let alone a lung transplant!
There are only about 50 women in Australia with the disease- Mum knows and is friends with quite a few of them. Over the years we have seen some of them deteriorate, go onto oxygen, have lung transplants, and we have lost some of them as well.

So today, while the world is still thinking of Princess Diana, I ask you to just stop a moment to say a prayer and think of my Mum, and others like her, the unsung heroes of this world who battle disease, illness and other struggles in anonymity, often while still dealing with everyday life, with courage that is not always seen and demonstrated by so many these days.

Mum at dinner last night doing her "Professor McGonagall" pose!

Nice Matters Award

2007-09-03T08:08:00.000+10:00

Therese has passed on to me the Nice Matters award! I am honoured- I don't really think my blog is all that special!
Here is the information she provided on it:
“This award is for those bloggers who are nice people; good blog friends and those who inspire good feelings and inspiration. Also for those who are a positive influence on our blogging world. Once you’ve been awarded please pass on to seven others whom you feel are deserving of this award”.

I don't know if you can pass it on to someone who already has it (I think some on this list do), but I am going to list my seven regardless! I pass it on to:

Paula
Marie and Ginny (for BOTH their wonderful blogs)
Crystal
Joanne
Jackie
Mark
Bill

Weekend out

2007-08-27T08:58:00.001+10:00

Friday night I went to the Irish to celebrate a few friend's birthdays, and Ng's homecoming- she's been overseas for a year. Was school friends, and I dragged Nick, from church along too (poor Nick).
Jess, Lyndal, Ng and TomLyndal and TomDe, Birthday and party girlme (I am so unphotogenic) and Nick

Because I had to work Saturday, I drove on Friday night, even thought I wanted to drink. I knew I shouldn't because I was already depressed though.
But Saturday night, went out again (!!) and this time drank. Went with Nick and John from church, and met up with a friend of Nick's. It was a great night! We went to Brunswick St, spent most of the night at a bar called The NightCat, and I really enjoyed myself.

Should probably have a quiet one this weekend, but it's Elise's deb Saturday night, and then we have a family dinner Sunday. But think that will be all for me....need to knuckle down and do some work! Plus, going out a lot kills me financially too!

Happy Birthday Blog!!

2007-08-24T13:48:00.000+10:00

Well, my little blog turns 2 today. I thought that was a bit of a milestone! I've never kept a regular diary for this long before! Blogs really are different (for me anyway).

It's funny how time seems to fly by, and yet 2 years seems like such a long time ago...

Funny also to reflect over all the things that have happened in the past 2 years. So much has gone on! In terms of the depression, it's been a rough journey, but I have really made progress, and some blog posts really do show that I have! Others show the times I have not been so good.
The last few days have been interesting, I'm afraid I may be slipping again. I have been in a recklessly dangerous mood, and have been acting a bit out of character. I hope that things will settle down. It's probably just uni getting to me. Please pray. Sometimes I really scare myself.

One thing further I must say though: I have been amazingly blessed through this blog to meet (and am still meeting) some wonderful people and friends. I want to say a huge THANKYOU to everyone out there who has offered their support, encouragement, prayers and friendship. It means a lot to have you as friends, and I appreciate, and am grateful to the friendship and care you have offered me.
Some of you have really helped get me through some tough times, and I have learnt a wealth of information off you all, through your own blogs and emails.
I really feel blessed and privileged to have you all in my life. So, once again, THANKYOU, all you amazing people!!

and God's blessings to ALL :)

(This is the "cake" Mum made for my last birthday- meringue, with toasted macadamia nuts, raspberries, and lime and white chocolate mousse- mmmm. Very Sweet!!)

Learning patience

2007-08-19T14:11:00.000+10:00

I have been flat out at uni lately, and I'm afraid that it's only going to get worse from here. I'm in the lab at the moment, and should really be doing some PCR's and DNA extractions, but I am feeling that I really cant be bothered, and think I will go home after this for a break!! It is a Sunday after all. The last 2 weeks I have been spending 12-13 hour days here, which is a lot, and spent 14 hours here last Tuesday- that was far too much, and I don't intend on doing that again in a hurry.

I have to be careful, because if I get too exhausted, I will start to get depressed again, which as I've been pretty good lately, will not be so good. Actually, the last few weeks I have really been in quite a good mood, which is a strange feeling for me, I'm not really used to it, but it's quite nice for a change. I was a bit flat Thursday, and this is because I am so tired, so I really must be careful. I was also really depressed Friday night- bit more about that in a minute though.

Despite the fact that I've been flat out, I have been out a few times lately, which has been a pleasant change for me. Last Saturday I went out for dinner with a friend from church, then we went to a bar for some quiet drinks, then on to the pub for a few more. It was good to just go out and enjoy a few drinks without having to worry about driving, but also not having to worry about getting drunk because everyone else was. I really enjoyed the night, but didn't get home until 3am!! And of course had to get up for church the next morning, and had a BBQ that afternoon, then back to uni to sort some stuff out. I was so tired I couldn't even eat dinner when I got home! But it was a really great night. And of course with the BBQ on the Sunday I could catch up with a few friends from Bayside I hadn't seen for ages too, which was nice.

Friday just gone I went out with my school friends. I've caught up with Lyndal, and we email a lot; we went to see the Harry Potter movie the other week, but I hadn't seen the others for ages. It's been a while since I've been out with them. I knew I had to work yesterday so of course drove because I knew I couldn't have a late night. We went to Chapel St, first to the Lucky Coq for dinner, which I quite liked. The decor is really funky and different, lots of seating, they had cheap pizzas, and these infused flavoured vodkas that looked really cool- I'll have to go back sometime when I'm not driving to try them (they had a turkish delight flavoured one!). Music wasn't great, but, hey, I'm resigned to the fact that I don't like most of the music that would be considered "mainstream" and gets played the most often.
Then we moved on to an Irish pub, Bridie O'Reilys, which was pretty cool, bigger than the Irish close to home, with more seats, which is always good. I hate having to stand for the whole night. Music was slightly improved (ie. I knew some songs, and could almost tolerate them).

But the whole night was ruined by the comments of one person there, who is supposed to my friend, but I don't think I can even call her that anymore. I dread when we are going out and she is going to be there, because I know she will always make an insulting comment and end up hurting me, and she's very negative and is always criticising me. I try to be really patient, but this time I just had enough. It wasn't even really that bad a comment, but I was tired, and I've just had enough. Yes, partly it is my fault- I need to learn to not let her get to me, but it's easier to just take bitchy comments from someone, hard when that someone is supposed to be your friend.
So she was bitching about guys and not getting picked up etc. and said that she would rather have a jerk than no one. My reply was that I would rather have no one than a jerk, to which she replied in a huff "well some of us actually enjoy having sex", before storming off to the toilets. I didn't even get a chance to reply to that and was too gobsmacked anyway.

Once I recollected myself I exploded in a tirade to everyone else on the table, which I felt bad about, and apologise to them for that. I was pretty damn angry about it (had to wait a few days before posting otherwise this would have just been one big swearing rant). I pretty much left straight after, I was tired anyway, and I just went home.
One of the things I said was that I knew I deserved more than a jerk. And this is where the depressing part comes in. As I was driving home I was thinking:
"what if I don't deserve more than a jerk? what if that's the best I deserve? with my past who would want me anyway? who would want this scarred body, damaged goods? who would ever want me?"
I've been a bit sensitive about relationship issues anyway lately, so this didn't help. I mean, does she think that she is the only person who wants a "relationship"? Doesn't she think that there are others of us out there (thinking of someone else in our group in particular) who are lonely and want someone? want to be in a loving relationship, and for more than just sex, but for the soul mate company that comes from marriage?? who just needs someone to be there late at night to hold them when they wake up stressed, lonely and depressed?

As I drove home, all these thoughts in my mind, I felt like pulling in at the nearest pub and just getting comatose, slamming my car into a very solid tree/pole/wall, or taking to my wrists with a razor. It really got me that down, and I'm not as down about it now, but certainly, it has made me a lot flatter this weekend.

Again, I know that this is my reaction to her. I need to not react to her in this way. Who cares if she is so insecure the needs a guy to complete her? or just wants someone to fuck? That's her problem, not mine. But I also wish she didn't take it out on those around her.
One way I figured that I could not react to her anymore is just forget about her as a friend. I really, honestly, cant consider her as such anymore. And that's really sad, but friendships change, and people do move on, so I need to learn to accept that. As I said, it's easier to take abuse from someone who is not supposed to be your friend. And I have moved on, I am not the person that I used to be. I have changed, I have grown, and for the better. The people who knew the "old me" will have to accept the "new me", my new values, and what I want for my life. Some people just find it too hard I think.

I went to confession last night because I had been feeling so down, and because I had lost my patience on Friday night. It was good to talk about it to Fr Geoff, all the fears and doubts about everything; relationships, my past.
He re-affirmed for me that I DO deserve someone more than a jerk. That my past DOES NOT matter because I have repented, and been forgiven.
He said that the devil had just fired an arrow into me, then wriggled it round a bit. Ouch. And it happens.
And he helped me find the strength to keep moving forward in living the life that I know I need to live- a good Christian life, a life to serve God.
I still feel all those doubts, that no one will ever want me, that I am broken and damaged goods. But I KNOW God has forgiven me, and for that I have to keep moving past the doubts and stick to what I believe and what I need to do.

I just need to be patient.

I don't know when I will next have the chance to post. Hopefully they wont be too few and far between. I've been trying to write again as well, but not going so well there either (though I have put a few things on Mere Flesh) But not long to go now. I'll be done by November. I need to keep trusting God will get me through this. And to be careful and try to look after myself too.

I know it's going to be a tough few weeks. If you could keep me in your prayers, I would very much appreciate it (and also all those on my prayer list).

God's blessings to all.

Holy Transfiguration

2007-08-07T12:58:00.001+10:00

Yesterday was the feast of the Holy Transfiguration of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Ian had a really good post about it here.

Fr Geoff's sermon was, as usual, brilliant. He talked about Christianity as not being about knowledge of God, but experience of God, and it's this personal experience and relationship with God that transfigures us internally, and keeps us going when times aren't good. He shared with us his own story of this, which was amazing.

The other thing he mentioned, which I also found really relevant was about our lives as Christians. Being a Christian is a struggle, there are many things of the world that we struggle against, especially in an increasingly secular society. He used the climb of the apostles up Mt Tabor as the example of our own climb- we must always be climbing to reach the top, and the struggle is in the climb, but we think of what awaits us. But it's better to be struggling to climb, than to be backsliding down the hill...

Look at Saints Peter, James and John- the transfiguration of Christ enabled them to get through the time He was in the tomb, and then to share in His Resurrection. They went on to face the most horrendous struggles, yet didn't give up, because they fought for the truth. Saints Peter and James were both killed, and Saint John died in exile, but they continued to struggle throughout their lives to live out their faith in Christ as Christians.

I had never realised the immense importance of the feast before. But I think I will be carrying and remembering this message with me in times of difficulty.

It runs in the family!!

2007-08-02T10:53:00.001+10:00

So cooking and creativity run in the family- check out the awesome birthday cake Mum made for Dad's birthday (which was Tuesday- the same day as Harry Potter!)

Don't I have a clever Mummy!?!

It's meant to be a Murray Cod, but as Dad, and his fishing mate Damian, had to point out, it's not quite the right colours!! Artistic license- and mum couldn't get the icing the right colour with the food dye. Here's Dad with his cake:It was Dad's 50th, a pretty important milestone, but he didn't want a party, so as a surprise, Mum organised for helium balloons to be delivered to his work. He brought them all home, which of course Scout thought was brilliant- he loves playing with balloons, and he's actually pretty gentle with them. He couldn't quite get it though, that the string was attached to the balloon, and if he grabbed that, he'd have the balloon. Sometimes he'd hold the string, but then loose the balloon because he was trying to grab the balloon itself! Stupid dog :)

When science and cooking cross paths...

2007-07-30T17:17:00.001+10:00

Yep, that's right, I made fly biscuits!! Most people think I've gone a little mad, and they're probably right. If you are interested, the one on the left is a female, and the one on the right, a male. Yes, I know, I am a sad, sad individual.

For anyone actually interested (very few) here are some of my actual flies:

These were ready to be released for one of my release-recapture experiments, which is why they are coloured- they've been dusted with fluorescent powder so I can tell the difference between the populations- the pink (supposed to be orange) ones are a southern mass bred population (from Tasmania), the yellow, a Coffs Harbour mass bred population (central population). The females are bigger and fatter, and have a paler abdomen- examples are circled in pink. The males are smaller, and have a darker tail/abdomen area- examples are circled in blue (they're a bit harder to see). The species is Drosophila melanogaster: a model genetic organism.

Yes, I am strange....I cant wait for this year to be over though!

8 fact random meme

2007-07-27T12:56:00.000+10:00

A few people have posted this meme since Elena Maria tagged me a while ago, including Ginny, Grace, Bill and Crystal.

So here goes:

"For this meme, each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog."

1. I still take my teddy Yoyo to bed with me- and snuggle up to her! I cant sleep without her, and if I wake in the night and cant find her, I have to turn the light on and search! I got her for my baptism when I was 6 weeks old, and her name comes from me when I was younger- Mum used to ask if I wanted the pink bear or the yellow bear, my reply would be "the Yoyo bear".

2. I used to have a knack for languages- not sure if I still do, but there are plenty I would like to learn. When I was in grade 4 I played the Little Red Hen in our Italian play, and when I was in year 9, I reached the state finals of a German poetry competition.

3. I like, and collect rocks. Mum was hoping I would grow out of this when I got older, but at the age of 22, I think she's now given up...I love fossils and dinosaurs, gem stones, and just ordinary rocks- I collect for unusual shapes, sizes, textures, patterns, colours, geologic composition/history...all sorts!

4. When I was younger I was so unco that mum sent me for dancing lessons- I danced jazz/ballet and tap for 6 years- you would never believe it now, wont get me on a stage these days!

5. I've played the french horn as the only player in a symphony orchestra of 130 in front of a crowd of 75,000- there was a mike next to me and I was so nervous of stuffing up, I didn't play for the bits I wasn't sure I'd get right!! It was for the jubilee masses in Melbourne in the year 2000- I also played in a 150 piece symphony orchestra for a 15,000 crowd for the same thing (there were 2)- but there were 4 other french horn players- bit of a novelty for me as I was the only french horn player at my school.

6. I've had a number of nicknames over the years. These include, Scully, Smartass (often it would be Smartass Scully), Hughan, Hugan (because no one can pronounce my name right my friends would call me this as a laugh), Hugan-head, Gugenheimer- when this was shortened it became Gugie, or Googles, Rachi, Rachi-poo (my parents, argh!), and most recently, a dear friend has been calling me Little Bird (*hugs*-you know who you are!)

7. I am really weird when it comes to things being in order- like books. They have to be in alphabetical order- and my cds. It drives me nuts because I have so many that I have no where to keep them and so they don't end up being in order! And when I used to do school projects, the colours had to be in the right order in the heading. I don't have OCD....really.....

8. As much as I love wearing the colour black (much to my parents and grandparents disgust), I LOVE rainbow stuff, especially stripey rainbow socks, usually beneath my ankle length skirts I am wearing a pair. Today I am wearing an ankle length black skirt with my black boots, black long-sleeved top, but I have on a pair of rainbow socks and a rainbow hooded-jacket that used to be my aunty's (made in Nepal which is interesting). I love rainbows because they are a reminder of God's promise to us that He made to Noah, and because they reflect the human race- just as from one light come the many colours of the rainbow, from one God come many people, of all shapes, sizes, colours and cultures!!

I wont tag anyone because so many people have already done this, but if anyone wants to do it, of course feel free!!

Holy Prophet Saint Elijah

2007-07-20T11:50:00.000+10:00

Today is the feast day of someone very special to me, the Holy Prophet St Elijah. Because he experienced what it's like to be so low that you feel you cannot go on anymore, but God nurtured him through it, and then allowed him to hear His voice in the small silence!! (1 Kings 19). Elijah was very blessed, and is an example of a great man of God.

Also, my great-grandfather was named Elijah, and St Elijah is also considered to be important to the Order of Carmelites and a role model and Spiritual father.

I like the Troparion below, that he shall "pour forth healings on those who honour him"- another good reason to pray for the intercession of St Elijah!

Troparion, Tone 4
An angel in the flesh and the cornerstone of the prophets,
the second forerunner of the coming of Christ,
Glorious Elijah sent grace from on high to Elisha,
to dispel diseases and to cleanse lepers.
Therefore, he pours forth healings on those who honor him.

Kontakion, Tone 2
Prophet Elijah of great renown,
seer of the mighty mighty works of God,
by your command you held back the rain!
Pray for us to the only Lover of mankind!

Edit: check out Elena Maria's post on St Elijah and The Mantle of Elijah for more reading :)

And also a post from 4HisChurch :)

The New Martyrs of Russia

2007-07-18T11:31:00.000+10:00

Today we commemorate the New Martyrs, Grand Duchess St Elizabeth and St Barbara.

After the assassination of her husband, St Elizabeth devoted her time to the church, becoming and nun, and becoming one of the Sisters of Love and Mercy.

She visited her husband's killer in prison and forgave him.

St Elizabeth did not have to convert to Orthodoxy on her marriage to the Grand Duke Sergei of Russia, however, after some time she made this decision, a decision that was hard for her due to the reaction of her family, but allegedly brought tears to her husband's eyes on it's announcement.

New Martyr Grand Duchess Elizabeth, and one of her order, nun-martyr St Barbara, were killed by the Bolsheviks this day in 1918. There thrown down an abandoned mine shaft with others, and had grenades thrown in after them- but they did not die immediately. Instead they sang hymns, and St Elizabeth bandaged the wounds of another who was down there. It is said that when their bodies were found, St Elizabeth's fingers were poised to make the sign of the cross.

Troparion, Tone 4

Causing meekness, humility and love to dwell in thy soul, / thou didst earnestly serve the suffering, / O holy passion-bearer Princess Elizabeth; / wherefore, with faith thou didst endure sufferings and death for Christ, with the martyr Barbara. // With her pray for all who honor you with love.

Kontakion, Tone 4

Taking up the Cross of Christ, / thou didst pass from royal glory to the glory of heaven, / praying for thine enemies, O holy martyr Princess Elizabeth; / and with the martyr Barbara thou didst find everlasting joy. // Therefore, pray ye in behalf of our souls.

The Royal Passion-Bearers of Russia

2007-07-17T19:17:00.000+10:00

Today we commemorate the last Imperial family of Russia- Tsar Nicholas II, Tsarina Alexandra, their children, the Grand Duchess' Olga, Tatiana, Maria and Anastasia, and the Tsarevich Alexei; and also those who died with them, Dr Evgeni Botkin, cook Ivan Kharitonov, and attendants Aleksey Trupp and Anna Demidova.

They are known as passion-bearers, because they were not killed directly for their faith as martyrs, but they faced their deaths in a Christ-like way, and lived their faith with true love for God. It is said that the Tsarina Alexandra made the sign of the cross as her husband was shot, but she herself was shot before she could complete it.

Troparion, Tone 1

Most noble and sublime was your life and death, O Sovereigns;
Wise Nicholas and blest Alexandra, we praise you,
Acclaiming your piety, meekness, faith, and humility,
Whereby ye attained to crowns of glory in Christ our God,
With your five renowned and godly children of blessed fame.
O passion–bearers decked in purple, intercede for us.

Kontakion, Tone 2

Royalty and martyrdom were joined together, O blessed ones,
In your death for righteousness and right belief, O wise Sovereigns,
Nicholas and Alexandra, with your five children.
Hence, Christ our God counted you worthy of thrones in Heaven;
And with twofold crowns of glory,
You reign forever, adorned with grace divine.

Goals

2007-07-16T18:45:00.000+10:00

Well I have finally finished the essay, hence the return to blogging- well, for now at least! I really need to spend more time working, and less time on the internet- I've got hardly anything done today, I've been far too distracted with other things.

Anyway, a while back, Bill posted about goals- and he challenged us to make a list of 5 things we want to do before we die. It's funny, because a while back, to encourage myself, I created 2 lists: "Things I want to do" and "Places I want to go". I'm not going to post them here (they are actually reasonably long!), but I'm going to list: 5 short term goals; 5 long term goals; and 5 blogging goals- this is because I am blogging so infrequently at the moment, and I do have things I want to write, so it's to encourage me, and to let you know what's coming in the future (eventually!).
So here goes:

5 short term goals

Finish Honours (preferably with H1- the highest grade)
Get a job
Get chrismated Orthodox
Pay Mum and Dad back
Move out with my friend Lyndal

5 long term goals

Get married and have kids
Visit the Holy Land
Do some sort of aid work in Africa and/or outback Australia
Keep up with my piano (and learn to play the whole of Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata"- I can only play the first movement, and I don't practice enough)
Help people
Develop a routine of prayer and learn to live a monastic life within the community

Ok, so that was 6...nevermind!

5 blogging goals

Post all the memes I have been tagged with- this includes the 8 random facts one from Elena Maria, the Jesus meme from Crystal, and another, not really a meme, but bunch of questions that Crystal had on her blog a while back
Post about my great-grandmother (Grannan) who died in March and about her life
Write- and then post- some more poetry on Mere Flesh
A discussion about purity and chastity- my thoughts
My "conversion" story- what brought me back to the church 3 years ago (only 3 years? it feels so much longer!)

HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-27T11:29:00.000+10:00

I had to go to hospital this morning for some check ups concerning the breast lump- everything is fine, I just have to go back in 3 months for another check up and ultrasound to check size.

But I figured while I was there, Kate was at the same hospital so I would take her a card and perhaps be able to see her. She was in ICU, but I finally found someone who knew if they could take her the card and read it to her, and they said perhaps I could see her too. So while I was in the waiting room her mum came in (Thank God I recognised her!) and I said I had a card and perhaps could I see her? And she said, "Sure, I'll just check with Kate." And I'm like "She's awake??" and she said "YES"

Praise the Lord!! Kate is awake and out of her coma!!!

She is still not going well, and has a long way to go, so please everyone still keep her in your prayers. But I did see her for a few minutes, and I read her the card, and just said that we were all praying for her and thinking of her, and were looking forward to seeing her again and catching up. It's awkward to see people in ICU, I was very blessed to be allowed in. She did not look good though, she couldn't talk very well as she has a tube in her throat, and when I came out I did cry a bit in front of her mum, but she said it was ok, and she had warned me it was quite confronting.

But it is absolutely wonderful news, and I am so glad that she is awake, Thankyou God!!!!!!
And thankyou to everyone for your prayers.

Struggling on

2007-06-24T14:22:00.000+10:00

I'm trying to write an essay for uni- it's not due for another 4 weeks (for me at least) but it would be really good if I could get it done by this week!
As can probably be told by the fact that I'm blogging and not writing it, it's not going so well...

I am so exhausted and I just have no energy at the moment. I didn't get a really early night last night, as I didn't get back from Vespers until nearly 9pm, then baked a cake for church this morning, and had dinner. This morning we had a memorial service, which is what we were practising for last night, but 2 members of our choir couldn't come- the ones who knew the service the best, and who were our sopranos!!
I was so stressed out this morning about it all (I'm sure Janet was too), and fortunately Tatiana came, because my voice was failing so bad, not being used to singing the soprano part anymore.
But when the service finished I was just so exhausted, all the stress that was keeping me going wore off and I kind of collapsed in a heap! As Janet said, that is what her and Fr Geoff are like when they get home on a Sunday, after packing up the church and then going out for lunch, and they do nothing else. I can completely understand- and I am supposed to be the young person who is energetic and able to cope!

So I helped pack up, and refused the offer of going out for lunch (I went last week) because I have to write this essay- but I'm so stuffed I dont think I am getting much done anyway!

I wish that I had the self-discipline to just keep going; to fight the tiredness and keep working; to ignore what my body is telling me, and to do what I need to do. But I dont. It's so frustrating!

I'm very aware that I didn't get much out of the service this morning- I was too busy stressing about singing to really take time out and be calm. I've come out almost worse than went I went in- I'm feeling very teary and fragile, and probably wouldnt have coped with going out for lunch anyway because I kept feeling like I was going to burst into tears. Which is unfortunate.

However!! Fr Themi has been here from Kenya the last 2 weeks, and he did the semon today, which was wonderful, and I really did get something out of that. It was about how God is more present in the slums of Kenya than in a rich society like Australia which is becoming increasingly Godless, and worships the idols of money, and the flesh. Not to say that God is not present in Australia, because he is- but faith in Kenya is more visible, and His presence more felt (at least that's what I got out of the sermon). It was really challanging. Actually, one of the things I found most challanging was that major chocolate companies use child slave labour in Africa, and yet we still buy their products, and so are in a way supporting that. It was challanging to me- I am a chocaholic, but cant afford to buy fairtrade or organic chocolate. I guess for me it really made me think- "do I really want to buy this product and support the child slave trade?" And this IS a hard thing for us here in Australia, where we are so fortunate, and sometimes the suffering of those in third world countries just seems to distant.
Also he talked about making decisions based on God- praying before making any decision rather than relying on what we think and human intuition. Make decisions based on God, rather than money, or career etc. Another challange.

Anyway, feeling like I am going to burst into tears again- doesnt help that I am hungry because I havent had any proper lunch. I dont think it's worth me staying- I want to stay and get stuff done, but I dont know if I can. I wish I could ignore what my stupid body is telling me- that it needs rest- and just keep going.

>sigh<

I just want uni to be over. It means so little to me now. But I have to finish, and it's only 4 months to go.

Another special prayer request

2007-06-21T11:55:00.000+10:00

Please pray for my friend Kate- I haven't seen her for a while, we used to go to Bayside church together, and I just received an email from the Young Adults group asking for prayer as she is in a coma due to a diabetic condition.
I feel terrible because I haven't seen her for so long, and also I am very worried, so please pray that God would pull her out of this and that she would be ok.
Thankyou all for your prayers and comments to my other prayer requests.
God Bless you all

Special Prayer requests

2007-06-13T10:52:00.000+10:00

I know I have the prayer requests list to the side of this blog, and I would ask everyone who visits this blog to please take a moment and pray for those people, but I have some special prayer requests that I wanted to put in this post. Please keep these people in your prayers.

My Pops has been in hospital having tests this week, for upcoming heart valve surgery. But we found out last night that he has to have a double bypass which is open heart surgery. He will be in intensive care for 3 days after the operation, and in hospital for another few weeks, then he will need 24 care and supervision. Please keep him in your prayers, that the surgery goes well and he recovers quickly, and also my Nana, who will be looking after him.

Please pray for my friend Tina and her family. She is from Ethiopia, and her family have fled to Sudan after her father was killed in prison. They have no ID and if they are found will be sent back. Recently, the Australian government denied them immigration here. Please pray for their safety, and that the Australian government will change their mind and let her stay here. And for Tina, who is very depressed, and needs to be with her family again.

Please pray for my friend Lyndal, who is struggling at home living with her mother, who is emotionally abusive. Please pray that she will have the strength to cope until she can move out, for her health and her happiness, and that she can also realise how much God loves her and what a valuable human being she is on this planet.

Please pray for Marie who has been struggling with pain and illness, and now is anxious for her father who is sick in hospital. Please pray also for her father, that he will be ok, and that the doctors can find out what is wrong and fix it asap.

Please pray for Bill, who is dying, and for Vi and their family, while they face and wait in this difficult and painful situation. And also for all other families out there who have a loved one who is dying and are facing a similar situation.

Thankyou to everyone for all your prayers! God Bless.

But...

2007-06-11T10:45:00.000+10:00

Ha, well having posted about how much "better" I have been lately, today is a bad day. And it's still morning.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me today. I am tired, exhausted. I am sick of always being tired. I have days where I am "ok", but there is still this sluggishness that is there.
I'm just really flat and depressed today. Trying to muster up the courage to go to uni, to do what needs to be done. I am so sick of it all. I just want uni to be over.
Today is supposed to be a public holiday, but uni doesn't recognise it. Doesn't help things along.

I just want to sleep today. Curl up and pretend that nothing is wrong and sleep away all my troubles. I think that's one reason I have been getting through lately, but I cant spend my whole life sleeping.

I hate feeling like this!! I hate that I have to keep pushing myself just to get through each day.

I want to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed. Like I've actually had a restful sleep. Not like my body feels like it's been hit by a truck and feeling groggy, headachey, and tired.

I want to wake up refreshed so that when I tell myself "Today IS going to be a good day" my body can believe it and follow through. So that my mind is clear and not all fogged up and confused.
So I'm not all teary again and through the day like I am now, for no reason.

I don't know.....

I have to drag myself to uni as I set up an experiment yesterday and have to run it today. 5 months to go- feels like an eternity with all these deadlines and essays and so much stuff to do. It has to be done...

Travelling along

2007-06-08T12:36:00.000+10:00

So a few weeks ago I wasn't coping very well at all. I had 3 assignments due in 3 weeks, and then an essay due Monday coming, as well as lab work, and I was feeling so depressed and overwhelmed with everything I was crying half the time and not really getting anything done. At one of my lowest point I considered admitting myself to hospital, because I really could not manage any more. I felt like I had no other options.
I talked to a few people, chaplains and counsellors, and finally decided that I had to go and see my supervisor and tell him that I wasn't coping with the workload and was incredibly depressed. I was worried about what he would say, but it turned out really well. He was really kind and supportive, and suggested that I talk to the honours coordinator about getting an extension either on lab work or the essay. I didn't want to get behind in my lab work so I decided to ask for an extension on the essay.
With his support, as well as that of my doctor and psychologist I went to see the honours coordinator. At first he didn't seem to understand at all what was going on, but eventually agreed to give me a 5 week extension on the essay, which is now due the 16th July.

With the weight of the essay lifted off my shoulders, I could breathe again, and think clearly without all the stress of deadlines, late nights and work overload. I have had the chance to sort out my lab work, and finally decide how things are going to go.

But the best thing is that I have been able to pick myself up and take care of myself to reduce the depression. I have been getting really early nights, and am not working such long hours at uni, which is making me feel much better, emailing people more, which is supportive, and if I want to catch up with friends, I don't feel as exhausted about the idea of going out. I am still having trouble concentrating, but not as much, am no longer bursting into tears all over the place (mostly), and the headaches from coming off the old drugs and onto the new ones are starting to go away. I am hoping the efexor will have a positive effect and help as well.

I am also having less thoughts about suicide and self-harm, though they haven't gone away completely.
I have finally accepted that suicide is no longer an option. This is a huge step, because now I can slowly release that to God. While I still have days when I do want to die, it's not as bad, and I can look at it, and say "no". With this, I think also the thoughts of self-harm will diminish, and I will be able to release this to God as well. Both of these I know are going to play a huge role in my healing.

On another note:

I have decided that I am going to be chrismated Orthodox. This is the equivalent of Catholic confirmation. I don't know when this will be, but it will be this year.
At first I wasn't sure about it, I have been baptised and confirmed in the Catholic church, but unless I am chrismated Orthodox, I cant receive Eucharist at the Good Shepherd, and this is important to me. I have been going to mass during the week, but I want to be able to take it on a Sunday at the place I call home.
Being chrismated Orthodox though, will still mean that I can take Eucharist in the Catholic church, which was important to me, because my family are Catholic, and I want to be able to participate in mass with them still.

While I pray everyday that the Orthodox and Catholic church will soon be in full communion with each other, my having to get chrismated has worked out well:

When I came back to the church at 19, I was going to a Protestant Pentecostal church. I stayed there for 2 years. Quite often the question of baptism came up- people would ask me, and I would say that I had already been baptised as an infant. Some were reluctant to accept this, but I knew that being baptised again was not right, and fully recognised that I had been baptised. But I did want to do something- I wanted to declare publicly that I was now a Christian and wanted to dedicate my life to God. The way of doing this in the Pentecostal church was baptism, but I knew that it wasn't an option for me to take.
While talking to a Lutheran friend, who agreed that my being baptised again wouldn't be right, I mentioned my need to do this public declaration. She explained to me that confirmation is meant to be that role, but I had already been confirmed as well!!
I knew that it wasn't necessary that I declare to all my new intentions as a Christian, and so I didn't think much about the idea again.

However, coming to the Orthodox church, and having the opportunity to be chrismated, I realise that this is now my chance. And I am at a stage in my growth where I can see how much God has really moved in my life, and how much I have grown in myself, and also moving into a new spiritual journey in my life. And I want to acknowledge that publicly. I have always seen the sacraments of baptism and the Eucharist extremely important, but I didn't realise back then that was I was after was another sacramental declaration of my love for God. Chrismation.

So I am glad that I now have this chance. In my eyes I think I will always be Catholic, but now I can also be Orthodox in the eyes of the church.
I have decided to take the Holy Prophet St Elijah as my patron Saint, as I have always felt close to him. I could have taken St Rachel, but others in the church have chosen a Saint that they feel close to at their chrismation, rather than their name Saint, and that is what I have decided to do.

So that is enough for now, I should get to work on this essay. I am at the really hard stage doing the initial reading, and not knowing much about the topic, which is stressful, but the only way I can get past it is to keep working!

Thankyou for all your prayers. God Bless.

Winter has arrived

2007-06-05T08:09:00.001+10:00

10 Favourite Movies, and words to describe me

2007-06-04T18:53:00.000+10:00

Well Ginny tagged me a while ago with top 10 Favourite movies of all time, and 21 words to describe me, it's taken me a while to think of them all, but here they are!

These aren't my top 10 favourite movies, but the first 10 movies that came to mind that I have enjoyed:

The Lord of the rings (ok, this is a favourite!)
The Silence of the lambs (but Hannibal was crap)
Pan's Labyrynth
V for Vendetta
The X-files: Fight the future (and any other X-files for that matter!!!)
BBC Pride and Prejudice (starring Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle)
BBC The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe (ok, so those 2 were sort of cheating, but I loved them!)
Shrek (the first one!)
Schindler's list (even though it's upsetting)
Finding Nemo

And now 21 words to describe me. Some of these I took off my "25 great things about me" list, which one of my counsellors recommended I do to boost my self-esteem. Mind you the list is only at 14, but it's a work in progress! I recommend this though to anyone who feels bad about themselves. It's a challange, but positive, to find the good things about ourselves, rather than the bad, which we always tend to focus on.

Christian, loyal, friendly, reliable, responsible, unselfish, unique, compassionate, thoughtful, sensitive, capable, eccentric, alternative, patient, stress-head, generous, affectionate, stubborn, helpful, pensive, loquacious

Now I tag anyone who is up for the challange! (that was a really hard one!! I am hopeless at picking favourite movies!)

P.S. to "Posts on depression"

2007-05-30T20:48:00.000+10:00

Another post from Crystal linked to the one below on The Spirituality of Depression.

And another one from Marie (thanks!) titled "How do we handle depression and anxiety?"

A small step towards unity

2007-05-25T17:37:00.000+10:00

Please pray for this:

Posts on depression

2007-05-22T20:15:00.000+10:00

So I thought that perhaps it would be good to post some links to others writings about depression. It's always good to have perspective on things and others opinions :)

First off is this post from Mat called "Depression". A really good post about coming to terms with depressed moods and admitting that things are not how they are supposed to be.

Next up is this great post from Marie on Dealing with depression. It addresses lots of issues: the misunderstanding that is often encountered, some Saints who suffered, and prayer and the role of God in healing (sorry Marie, I don't do your post justice by this description. To everyone else- just read it!)

4HisChurch has a post I can really relate to on Depression and Negative Feedback. So many times I have pushed away the people I have loved the most; the people who have tried to help me (note: she also has lots of great links on her site too!)

Bill has a touching post on Suicide, and some links included also on the subject.

And on this thread, Grace also has a beautiful post on suicide titled "Message to a Stranger".

I think both of these posts really highlight the preciousness and fragility of human life; the fact that we are unique and irreplaceable- both to God and those around us; and the real tragedy that so often depression does lead to suicide. Having been there myself, they both touched me very much. There are still days I wish I could die, but I know now that it's not an option- these are some of the reasons.

Finally to finish off with- we are not alone! At those times when we are feeling so awful, there are others out there, we are not freaks! We are just some of the many who suffer from this cruel illness.

From Crystal, this post and link called "The Spirituality of depression" on GM Hopkins and his sonnets that stemmed from depression.

And from 4HisChurch, "People with mental illness enrich our lives"- a list of famous people who have also suffered.

I feel very privileged and blessed to have been able to read these wonderful posts- many thanks to the authors for posting them!! God Bless you all.
I hope that anyone else with depression who has stumbled across my blog is able to make use of these.

Three book meme

2007-05-21T10:30:00.000+10:00

Paula and Marie have tagged me with this meme (like I needed any excuse or encouragement to procrastinate!!!)
One problem though, is that there are heaps of books I want to read that I think if I had would be on here...I don't read during uni, mainly because I have no time, but also because I love reading so much it's easy to forget what needs doing!
Here goes:

Three non-fiction books everyone should read:
(I suppose if I said The Bible that would be cheating? at least the psalms..)

1. "The Orthodox Church" by Timothy Ware- this is here more as an example of books everyone should read. I think everyone should read books that explain the history of the church and why we do what we do. Protestants give Catholics and Orthodox a lot of criticism for all the ritual we have, and they are right if we don't understand why that is there and why we do it. Other books in this category include "Sacred symbols that speak" and "Sola Scriptura"- sorry I cant remember the authors!

2. "Depression: a spiritual guide" by Archimandrite Spyridon Logothetis (Abbot of the Holy Transfiguration of Our Saviour Jesus Christ Monastery in Nafpaktos, Greece)- while this is good for people with depression, it's actually described as more of a preventative guide, for this reason I recommend it to everyone. Really it's just a guide to living a Godly and fulfilled life!

3. "Diary of Anne Frank"- the diary of an average teenage girl- oh, except for the fact that her and her family are in hiding from the Nazis and she was later captured and died in a concentration camp. Good reminder of the blessings we have, and a history we don't want repeated. Also a good read, "Elli" by Livia E Bitton Jackson, the story of a survivor.

Honourable mention: "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, when to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Dr Henry Cloud. The title pretty much explains it. Good for people out there like me who are "yes" people.

Three fiction books everyone should read:
(my favourite series are "The Lord of the Rings" and "the Chronicles of Narnia" but see next section!)

1. "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen- yep, this is the romantic in me coming out. I'm also a sucker for the BBC series starring Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth.

2. "The Divine Comedy" by Dante- a must read for all Christians. Very inspiring, has some good teachings.

3. "The mark of the Lion trilogy" by Francine Rivers- thanks to Jane for getting me onto this one. Very hard to put down.

Three authors everyone should read:

1. JRR Tolkien - not just "The Lord of the Rings" and his middle earth works. There is a really good little story he wrote called "Leaf by Niggle"- this I would say is another must read.

2. CS Lewis- I am still discovering all his stuff. Brilliant writer. Great Christian writing.

3. Anything by the Church Fathers or saints. Sorry it's a bit vague, but there is so much to learn in their writings, and so much to be inspired by.

Three books nobody should read:
(agreed, there is no shortage, but here's a few)

1. "Jessica" by Bryce Courtney- soooo frustrating. This book made me feel like repeatedly banging my head against a very solid brick wall.

2. "Twilight of the Vilp" by Paul Ableman- yes, this is a bit random. I decided one day to read all of mum and dad's books I hadn't read, starting from A... this was the first (dad's I believe) and it's 2 hours of my life I will never get back. Totally weird and random book that makes no sense, and has no particular plot.

3. Anything on New Age spirituality- basically anything that tries to give you spirituality and tells you how you can live your life, but takes God out of the equation...best to pass on this sort of stuff.

Ok, so now I tag: Mark, Joanne, Bill, Grace, Lyndal, and Leo Peter (if they want to and can be bothered!)
It is quite fun! And challenging too :) Thanks Paula and Marie (now I should go and do some work!!)

Families

2007-05-17T07:03:00.000+10:00

Marie has a great post on St Elizabeth the new martyr, check it our here.

I used to read a lot about the Romanovs when I was younger, but since entering the Orthodox church I have learnt a lot more of their story and found out about St Elizabeth, first reading about her here.
The Romanov family are also recognised as saints by the church. I went to a sort of production a few weeks ago- it was slides of pictures, and their story told through readings from their diaries, letters, and those of people close to them. It was really good, very moving.
Here is their story, and also an icon of the family here.

I love the icon of the royal family, I think that when I have a family, I will put this in a family area as inspiration to us to live Godly lives. Also with an icon of the Holy family of course (I love the intimacy of this icon!).

Other family oriented icons I really like are of Saints Joachim and Anna, and of St Sophia and her daughters, though like most martyrs, their story is very brutal (though I think the teaching on the scrolls of this icon makes it a good one to have around). And Christ blessing the children is a really good one to have for young children too.

Makes me think though, when I think about families, as I said, "when" I have a family- I really hope this will be the case! So this made me think of a really good post Paula had the other day about Single vs. Singular women.

I think I am a Singular woman. I'm certainly not desperate for a boyfriend (no way at the moment!), and I don't go round places thinking, "how can I pick up a guy?" And no way do I feel the need to define myself by the man I am attached to, or even having one for that matter!
But I am very aware of the fact that I do want to get married and have kids, and that I have a biological clock I have to worry about as well. I'm already 22, and the idea of having my first kids in my 30's doesn't thrill me! I also want to be married to someone who shares my beliefs, I want a marriage that is grounded in God, mutual faith, friendship and mutual interests.
Maybe I am being unrealistic there, I don't know.

Sometimes it does worry me, because I do really want a family. But at the same time, I know that it's God's decision to make, and in His timing. So I try to leave it to Him and just trust Him that things will work out for me. I think I would feel really cheated if I didn't have the opportunity to have children, but at the same time, I have no idea what God's plans are for the rest of my life!

But I believe I can trust in Him, Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart".

I try not to worry or think about this issue too much, because there's not much I can really do about it! In the end it's all up to God. I guess that does make me a singular woman...

That was all a bit random, but just some of my thought processing for you! So far not too many problems on the new drugs, headachey, but that's about it. Still early days...

God Bless

Patience...

2007-05-11T18:22:00.000+10:00

I couldn't go to uni today- I've been having the odd dizzy spells this week, most likely due to coming off my current meds (Luvox- fluvoxamine), and today I was so dizzy (first day totally off them) constantly, and it wasn't going to go away. I tried to get up and go to uni, but as my brother pointed out, it wasn't really a good idea, and I probably shouldn't have been driving.

Slept a lot of the afternoon. Start new meds, Efexor (Venlafaxine) tomorrow. Still really dizzy, so annoying...

I've been wanting to post an update of some options I have for this year, and also a collection of some posts from others on depression. It might be a few days though.

It's so incredibly frustrating being like this and not being able to get things done, even though they may be so simple. I feel like I should just be able to do it, and cope, so I get so frustrated when I cant.

I need to learn to be patient with myself and just trust God that things will be ok.

The hope in miracles

2007-04-29T16:08:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I heard about a miracle, and Fr Geoff also talked about it in his sermon today. I will tell it the way it was told to me:

A young man, Mike, only 17, was killed in a car accident in September last year. After the 40 day mourning time (Orthodox tradition) his mother lay on his grave crying, and begged God for a sign to tell her that he was ok. Immediately she smelled the most beautiful smell of incense. She looked around to see if there was another memorial service but there wasn't. When she went home she could still smell the incense as could other members of the family.
Then they noticed oil leaking out of the walls in Mike's room. The most beautiful smelling oil, with the smell filling the whole house. Ash appeared out of nowhere at the walls. The oil increased, and started coming from icons, photos of Mike, and the wall in his parent's bedroom. And is still going now!

People have come from all over to be anointed with this oil, which has healed many from chronic illnesses, and brought many to faith in Christ.

Local television have done stories, and as part of this had the oil analysed. It's a water with oil in, but they don't know exactly what it is or where it comes from. There are a number of trace elements they found in it including gold!

Fr Geoff and other priests visited the house last week while on a conference in Sydney, and Fr Geoff brought some of the oil back. Today in church he anointed us with it. I took some and decided that I would mark a cross in the corners of my lab, and my office, since I am spending so much time in here. I intend to do the same with my room and the rest of the house.

This miracle gives us so much hope. Hope that there is life after death. Hope that there is healing to be found through God. Hope that miracles still do occur today, and perhaps we too can experience them.
How sad it would be to be an unbeliever. Where would you find hope? Last night my uncle told me he had a dream about my Grannan who just died- he said that she was happy, but told him that God and heaven don't exist, that we are just energy. He is an atheist, and tells me not to bother with church stuff. I still hold onto something more. If nothing else, the joy and peace that the divine liturgy bring me are worth every minute I spend in church. But I cling to God, because if there is no God, then what do we have? There is nothing, we are mere accidents, by-products of chemical reactions, thoughts that will cease to exist when we take our last breath, and matter that will decay into the earth. Nothing more.

I am not feeling too bad today. I am feeling...more hopeful! I am blessed that I have a wonderful church, and a wonderful spiritual father to support me, friends who are willing to offer words of support and comfort, though they may be miles away, family, even if they do not know how to be supportive, I am still blessed to have them.
I am hopeful that God will see me through this. I need to learn to find refuge in the comfort He brings, because He IS The Good Shepherd of his people.
I am hopeful that God will bring me a miracle, that there will be a time when I am free from depression.
I need to remember this when under attack from the evil one- God has given me hope, and I must learn to hold onto that.
I am strengthened by the news of this miracle in an increasingly secular society. God is still here, He still cares, and we share the miracles that were shared by Jesus and His apostles.

I hope that this also brings hope to others. I really felt the need to share it.
Here are some videos I found done by the local tv. Watching the skepticism of some is sad, but to see the faith of the believers is beautiful.

An apology

2007-04-18T22:18:00.000+10:00

I am so very sorry to all my readers. I am so busy at uni that I rarely now have time to post, and probably will not be posting much at all for a while.
I have been told that I need to work harder, though I am putting in so many hours I am not sure how I am going to, but I have to do what I have to do.
I am very depressed, and it's not helping things, my medication is changing a lot at the moment, and things are all over the place.
I am still contactable through my gmail and check it regularly, so feel free to email. Posting is just a bit too much between uni and being so down.
And you don't need to be reading my posts when I am down.

So forgive me. Please keep me, and all those on my prayer request list (left) in your prayers.
Thankyou.

A beautiful Easter

2007-04-11T18:56:00.000+10:00

Well, Easter services at the Good Shepherd were beautiful. They were so lifting, and also really brought home the reality of what Easter is really about. They were both sad, mourning, but also uplifting and joyous.

Holy Thursday and Good Friday had processions around the church- Holy Thursday the cross was carried round to James singing a Byzantine chant, while we just knelt as it went past, just the awe of what was happening, what it represented. Then on Good Friday we stand around a cloth which represents the body of Jesus, and we sing Lamentations, like a funeral, then, it's carried around the outside of the church in a procession with all of us following, then we pass under it as we re-enter the church.
It was a truly heart-breaking and humbling experience. I must post the words to some of the songs that we sing, because they capture so well the emotions of Easter.

Easter Sunday was such a joyous service- when we sang "Christ is risen from the dead", one of our choir was stamping her foot as it got to the "trampling death by death bit" making the rest of us laugh, but it made us just want to sing out so loudly, with such joy, to tell the whole world as we sang of the triumph of Christ's resurrection. I really could feel such joy within my being, the kind of joy that could not be contained as we sang out, and later as we wished each other a happy Easter with "Christ is risen!" "Truly, He has risen!", (in so many languages too) and kissed each other on the cheeks.

After church, which I got home from at 3.30am Sunday morning, I had an egg hunt with my family (I got a little sleep in first!) then we had a parish dinner that night at one of our choirs house, and she made us the most delicious 5 course Russian meal, and it was a really great night. I felt lifted in spirit, I was happy, and I was appreciating it, aware of the rareness of such a wonderful moment in time. I wish it could have lasted, but know that it couldn't.

And I am back at uni today, I was hoping to get some of a break on Monday and Tuesday, but it was not to be, a friend needed my help and so I went. I am so very exhausted again, I don't feel like I got much of a break over Easter, and I certainly didn't get much sleep, but church was worth all of that.
I am trying to make Easter my new start, as hard as that is, I want to work on my relationship with God, getting me back on track, and also thinking more about Chrismation into the Orthodox church. My morning and evening prayers have waned to non-existence, and what I get during the day is not enough, I need the peace of being alone with God in those quiet moments. Also I rarely have the chance to read my bible, but I am working on it, and looking at ways to read it that will enhance the connection with God that comes out of it.

A long and slow process, but one that I know will be worth it in the long term.

I hope all my readers had a blessed and wonderful Easter. God be with you all.

Finally finished (I think)...

2007-04-05T01:41:00.000+10:00

So it's nearly 2am in the morning and I am STILL at uni, but about to go home because I think I have finished my essay. At least there is another guy in the office with me who is finishing his as well, it has been quite good to have the company actually. He reckons he wouldn't have got as much done without me here to keep him sane (me?? keep someone sane?? that would be a first!).

Mum rang not long ago asking where I was- I told her I would be late at uni, but I don't think she realised how late!! She asked me to please come home soon. So I will head off in a minute.

So there we are, essay finished and I'm still alive...just...

Lost

2007-04-02T12:01:00.000+10:00

I am so depressed today that the site of food is making me feel sick.

Didn't sleep well at all last night either. Kept dreaming of death and dying, funerals and graves, and rotting corpses in coffins. Perhaps partly triggered from being to a funeral recently?

Didn't get to uni until just before. Must finish this essay, although I no longer care that much about it. I am tempted to just forget it, but then what else would I do? There is nothing that I want to do but die right now...

The temptation to kill myself, to cut my wrists and bleed out is so strong....I don't even know what it is I am holding onto anymore. God is holding me, because I think that I have slipped and am grasping at air.

A great night, but....

2007-04-01T21:04:00.000+10:00

So Virgin Black were totally awesome! Were even better live than I had ever thought!

But all of this weekend I have still felt like dying...the wish for death seems to grow greater through each day...

perhaps it will fade again.... one can hope. God promises that there is more than this...

Waste of a day

2007-03-28T20:16:00.000+10:00

So I found a lump in my breast a while ago- over 6 weeks now. Went to GP, she looked at it and said come back after next period, so I did, it was still there (though size had decreased) so she sent me off to breast clinic for ultrasound (mammograms don't work as well for young people as breast tissue is too dense).
That was this morning- plan was to go to that, then uni and finish literature review. Right.
Saw Dr, he thought was something called fibroadenoma. But to be sure sends me off to have ultrasound and biopsy.
So after much pushing, prodding (again because dense tissue) and cold ultrasound gel, the ultrasound lady finds another one in the other breast.
So I had to have a biopsy in both. And guess what?- it turns out that biopsies are quite painful and invasive procedures. They give you a local anaesthetic (which of course hurts), then they make a cut in the side of the breast; then use a needle to get a sample from the lump. But they need to get a few samples (like 5-6) for each lump- each one a different needle, so it ended up being around 12 all up.

Couldn't carry anything heavy on either side of course, so couldn't go to uni because couldn't carry laptop (had enough trouble getting from car back inside), and was in so much pain and felt so ill anyway, that I just slept if off the whole day.

Still in a lot of pain though, and feeling very depressed after not being able to do anything all day. Cant even sleep the way I usually do as stretches arms too much and hurts the wounds.

I am so stretched- and I keep being stretched. I am just ready to give up. I am never going to get this essay done in this state, how am I going to ever finish honours???

How can I live like this?? I don't understand why I am so down....and I have had enough

Off the Radar

2007-03-27T15:16:00.000+10:00

No, I haven't forgotten this blog, I am just a little off the radar at the moment!

Things are busy at uni, my literature review is due next week and so far I have only managed to write a paragraph of it- and that took me over an hour! Add to that, this weekend is going to be busy, I am going to see "Walking with dinosaurs" Friday night, and Virgin Black Saturday night, so that is kind of exciting. Sunday is Palm Sunday, then rehearsals all day for Holy week services, we have one every night, but the main ones are Wednesday night- the Blessing of the Oils by the Bishop, Thursday night- Holy Thursday, Friday night- Good Friday, and then Saturday night into Sunday morning is Holy Pascha service. And there is A LOT of music for our choir to learn!

My Great-grandma died last Sunday and the funeral for that was yesterday. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would, but I bawled my eyes out for hours at the viewing which was Sunday afternoon. But yesterday was a long day, and I am still suffering the exhaustion that has been going on for a few weeks now. I have been meaning to post a bit about her and her life, a tribute to her, but have not had a chance yet.
The problem is, if I ever have time, I am either to tired, or too depressed to post. Things are not going very well at all at the moment.

Though one up note- this is my first post from my new laptop in our new shared office!

But I must do work now, think I will be at uni quite late tonight.
God Bless.

Keeping a day of rest

2007-03-05T20:30:00.000+11:00

So when I went to confession the other night, as I mentioned, Fr Geoff strongly suggested that I take a day of rest, as is commanded by God- that we will work 6 days and rest the 7th. So Sunday is going to be my day of rest- as it is for most Orthodox Christians (and also many others).

So yesterday I went for lunch at Fr Geoff and Janet's house with a few others from church, and it was really great! Janet made this yummy lentil and veggie soup, and it was just nice to sit around and chat without being stressed! We all left around 6ish then I got home and left at 7 to go for dinner with Kirsty- my friend from primary school who is going to Japan. I was a bit worried about not knowing many people there, but because I had had a nice day it wasn't stressing me too much, and it turns out I just talked to everyone anyway because I was in such a good mood.

I felt like cutting on the way home, but in my head I just screamed "Get behind me Satan!!" and it actually seemed to go away!

So I thought I would wake up feeling ok this morning, but alas it was not to be. I was so tired and just felt the usually drained self, maybe a little more because I had such a busy day Sunday. I thought perhaps things would improve at uni- nope, my PCR from Friday hadn't worked (made a stupid little mistake).
So I ran it again- and it still didn't work. By this time it was 7pm, so I'll have to sort that out tomorrow.

At least I can still hold on to the fact that yesterday was a great day, and I actually enjoyed something, which happens so rarely.

Result

2007-03-04T08:41:00.000+11:00

Ok, valium is soooo over-rated.
I feel fine, and didn't sleep that great. Didn't really knock me out at all (even with the grog), but I did get to sleep faster than usual I guess.
Just feel a little dehydrated and headachey like when I've had a few drinks.

Off to church this morning, and then out for lunch. Usually I would go and study, or work, but Fr Geoff has strongly suggested that I take God's advice- work 6 days and rest the 7th. So I'm going to try that, and hopefully wont feel too guilty for taking a day off. Then out for dinner as well, my best friend from primary school is going to Japan for a year.

Better go get ready, running a bit late...

Experiment

2007-03-03T22:57:00.000+11:00

Hey, so I'm on my 4th Smirinoff Ice double black, getting me up to nearly 8 standard drinks- and I just crushed up a valium and mixed it with some- so lets just see what happens! Starting to feel pretty wacked already...(mind you genius here, managed to crush up the wrong drug first and wondered why she wasn't feeling anything- guess the anti-depressants aren't as powerful).

here's some song lyrics for you:

"In a dream, you give your love to me, beg my broken heart to beat, save my life, change my mind"- Evanescence

"Lithium - Don't want to lock me up inside, lithium - Don't want to forget how it feels without, lithium - I want to stay in love with my sorrow, Don't want to let it lay me down this time, Drown my will to fly, Here in the darkness I know myself, Can't break free until I let it go, Let me go, Darling, I forgive you after all, Anything is better than to be alone, And in the end I guess I had to fall, Always find my place among the ashes, I can't hold on to me, Wonder what's wrong with me"- Evanescence

"Come take my life God, I'm dying"- Virgin Black

"Without you, the poetry within me is dead"- Nightwish

"I long to be like you, lie cold in the ground like you"- Evanescence

"A ruined soul bewailing , Where the angels allow their wings bewilted , To droop, to bow to the bosom of a friend , Kiss me tenderly, savage God , My lips are dumb to speak a thousand inane words , And how sweet a toil , All is dark, all is blackened , All, but an upturned face"- Virgin Black

"They dance to silence, But your song I hear, Holy lord, fathomless god, tears flow, But the water is sweet, Holy lord, fathomless god, I fall as one dead, With quivering lips"- Virgin Black

"darkness surrounding me, my head hangs low, your arms are far, your breath takes me, besides - i am in love, i'm loving you - but you, so far from me - i'm holding out, your words - your face - your breath, your touch - your heart should cover me, but all you do is watching me, so i dismiss the grace of you, and far beyond the darkness grows, which leads me back to all my roots, the longing and the pain, in darkness and disgrace"- Lacrimosa

"Protect me from what I want"- Placebo

"You are one of God's mistakes, you crying tragic waste of skin"- Placebo

Ok, that's enough for now, I'm going to cry in bed until the drugs kick in. Maybe I wont wake up- what a blessing that would be.

Ditto

2007-02-28T17:23:00.000+11:00

So my mood hasn't improved much over the last few days. Still putting up with the usual feeling crap. I could hardly get out of bed this morning, it was over an hour after my alarm went off by the time I managed to wake up and get out of bed- I was so tired, hadn't got to bed late the night before, just not early enough for me.

I am not the only honours student feeling overwhelmed. One of the other girls in my lab is freaking out too. She was nearly in tears on Tuesday- I can relate, I was in tears the day before.
After I posted Monday I ended up going to see one of the chaplains I know at uni, I thought I was ok, but ended up bursting into tears and just bawling for about an hour- seems to be happening a lot lately. Once I just stop and sit down, that's it, I'm a mess and I cant stop crying- all the crap bottled up inside just seems to pour out uncontrollably. I don't really know if I feel better after either- usually I just feel so totally drained and empty.

I feel so heavy at the moment- hard to describe, but everything is just heavy inside of me. My head, I am just so emotionally and physically tired I need to lie down (usually with Yoyo- at least she is still a comfort to me!), my legs, moving around just seems to be in slow motion. I couldn't even eat my lunch today, I just couldn't seem to chew- I don't think anyone has ever managed to eat an apple any slower than I did today.
I just feel like there is a heavy sort of lump inside of me, squishing up everything else and making me feel so rotten. It is so odd, and hard to describe.

I went to mass today and had Eucharist, so at least that is something. When I am feeling so down I think it is so necessary to do it, even if I don't notice anything, it's so important to keep that connection with God, because sometimes it's the only connection I feel I have (I know it's not true, but I don't always feel it- stupid feelings).
After I went to mass and tried to eat lunch, I went and prayed in the chapel for a while, just kneeling and saying the Jesus prayer while using the mindfulness breathing control. It did work a bit I think, I think I did relax a little during that time, but after I still felt that heaviness, still pretty depressed. But I think it is worth doing anyway, because that is another connection with God that I think I need and is important.

I have been thinking a lot about cutting and suicide again lately. It is distressing, but so far I am managing. Just. But as soon as I try to talk to someone, the tears start again, as I mentioned above. I think the key here is to try and just turn my brain off, but that is a hard thing to do.

I am still at uni at the moment, but I have got some stuff done today and hopefully it will be useful. The licor gel was run today, from the PCR yesterday, and I think has turned out ok for what I need it for. Will have to check it with the others though.
I think I have done enough here though, might start the hike to free parking and go home to print and scan stuff.

God be with you.

Meaningless

2007-02-26T13:53:00.000+11:00

I’ve been really depressed the last week, way more than the usual downer. Honours is so overwhelming, I have no idea where to start. We have to do a literature review of why our area of study is interesting and warrants research, but I have no clue of how to begin. I think I just need to start reading all the papers I have and look at all the papers they have cited, ones that relate to what I’m doing. I have to cover a lot of ground, but this is supposed to be also the introduction to my thesis, so I want it to be good.

Things are not being helped by my not be able to find the gene sequence that I need. It means I can’t design and order primers, and therefore start any lab work. Which annoys my supervisor- and I really need to stay on his good side.

I am scared about the year coming up. I am scared that I won’t be able to cope, scared that I wont do a good enough job, scared that I will let people (especially my supervisor) down.

I am worried because I need to get a laptop and I don’t have the money for it. As well I still owe my parents money for the car. I am worried because I can only work one day a week and that is just enough for petrol with a little left over, which barely covers the medical bills.

I am depressed because all I seem to do is work, work, and I don’t have anything to show for it. And I am depressed because I can’t see the point of…well anything. Work, uni, study…it just all seems pointless. Where does it get me? It doesn’t make me happy. It doesn’t get me friends. It doesn’t get me a better relationship with God- if anything it drags me away from Him.

What bothers me more: I am a Christian- therefore I am supposed to see meaning in life. But I can’t. I just can’t. I cannot see the point.

It’s the official start to semester today which means that uni is horrible- there are people everywhere, and they just seem to not move and clog up all the walking space. Add to that it is hot again; I am so sick of the heat and being sticky and sweaty and gross. Everywhere is loud, the library, outside, café’s…I went into our shared office before but even in there people were talking and not working (doesn’t help that it is a shared office/tearoom space), being loud…usually it wouldn’t bother me, but I just need peace. I am having enough trouble concentrating on my work as it is, people and meaningless conversations just distract me even more and drive me absolutely nuts. There are supposed to be quiet areas in the library but they never are, there are always people talking, talking, it’s so inconsiderate, I am sick of it, sick of people, sick of everything, I just want to die and be left alone.

I hate being like this, I hate being me. I just want all this crap to end.

Over it

2007-02-20T11:00:00.000+11:00

At uni doing this stats course which I am so over already! Just about brain dead, and this is only the second day. THANK GOD!!! I dont have to do the whole week, only till tomorrow afternoon.

It's still really hot at the moment, so we keep praying for rain, but I am over the heat too. I'm so sick of being sweaty and sticky, and feeling yuk and gross because of the heat. It's so hard to sleep at night because of it.

anyway, have to start again, just had quick break and whinge got to go!

Prayer request

2007-02-19T18:42:00.000+11:00

I have a friend from church who is from Ethiopia, called Tina (her Ethiopian name is Netsanet, but she gets us to call her Tina because most people cant pronounce it). She is studying Biomedicine at Monash, and wants to become a Doctor.

But her family are still in Africa, her father was arrested in Ethiopia and killed in prison, and her family had to flee. For ages she had no idea where they were, but she has found them staying with friends in Sudan.

Please pray for her and her family though, that her family are able to come to Australia to live here, and that she can be reunited with them. Also that God can be with them and protect them, and give Tina the strength and courage to get through this time, she is trying to study as well as work so that she can send money to her family, and bring them here.

She is trusting in God, that with many prayers she can be with them and they can live safely again. Her faith is amazing. I cannot even begin to imagine what she is going through and how hard things must be for her.

So please, please, to anyone reading this, even if you are just passing by, please pray for Tina and her family, because they need prayers very much, and God's protection to get them through this time.

The Last day

2007-02-12T12:45:00.000+11:00

So today is my last day of freedom for the next 9-10 months....honours officially starts tomorrow. A bit scary. Hopefully all will go well this year, I have done a lot of things to ensure that I will be able to spend plenty of time at uni, keep my health up, earn a little money, but I wont really be working much at all so I can focus more on uni, I will make sure I am at church every Sunday- hopefully that should keep me sane...

I am still very nervous though. I feel like I have over committed to stuff already. I guess if everything gets too much I am going to learn to prioritize- and ruthlessly! I think also that I will be doing a lot of scheduling.

I finally finished Dante, I am pleased that I managed to finish it before uni started. Though I only finished it this morning! I didn't think I would get there, but I did, so I am pleased, and I'm glad that I stuck it out, because it really was a great read, and provided lots of material to think about!

Today I am going to try and clean my car and my room so that I don't have to worry about it during uni...well at least for the next month or so! And I should also read some more of my uni stuff, which I should have been reading more of, but just have been so focused on getting other stuff out of the way.

Time to take a deep breath, trust in God that everything will be ok, and dive in...

For those who may sometimes feel worthless...

2007-02-06T09:36:00.000+11:00

Words of wisdom from St Eusebius:

"If you do not listen to Him who has created you, then ask Him who has redeemed you, how much you are worth. What is the price which Christ has paid for you? Consider His sufferings, how He was mistreated and mocked; think of the scourging, the crown of thorns, the cross. To redeem you, to purchase you, He sacrificed His life- He, God's eternal son- He, true God like the Father. Look at the magnificence of the moon and the stars, look at the earth in all its beauty; what is it all compared to God? Hardly more than a speck of dust. Therefore, you are worth infinitely more than the heaven and earth with all their splendor. The standard of your worth is the eternal God Himself, for He has purchased you with His own blood. You are worth as much as the blood of our Lord Jesus."

I don't even know the words to describe how it makes me feel to read this, what it makes me think. But to know that God Himself, came as a man, and suffered unimaginable torment FOR ME....even though I don't deserve it. This is what makes me continue to seek God always. How wonderful to know a God of such love!

More Dante

2007-02-05T11:27:00.000+11:00

From Dante's "Divine Comedy"- "Paradise" Canto XI 1-4:

"O imbecile ambition of mortality!
What ill-directed reasonings syllogistical
weight down thy wings to mundane triviality!"

I agree at times- these feelings of there being something more to life, something more to what we are doing at the present moment. Career, social life, material goods...they are but the "ambition of mortality", the ambition of this world. We as mortals can strive to know God, but as mortals will be weighted down by this world...this is where prayer, fasting, asceticism, is useful...but I don't know if we ever really attain what we are searching for in this life.

I know that for me, I find it hard to surrender completely to God, being weighted down by the things of this world. But I also know that, for every step I take towards God, He takes 100 towards me! Even though I don't deserve it.

Truly humbling.

:'(

2007-02-03T20:30:00.001+11:00

I need a hug...

Presentation of Christ in the Temple

2007-02-02T10:14:00.000+11:00

Today is the feast of the presentation of the infant Christ in the temple. The narrative is from the Gospel of Luke- Luke 2:22-39.
Something interesting I was reading the other day really made me think, but also I though was appropriate to post today. It’s from the book “A year of the grace of the Lord” by a Monk of the Eastern Church.

“Each soul ought to be a Temple of God, to which Mary brings Jesus. And each one of us should, like Simeon, take the child in his arms and say to the Father: “My eyes have seen thy salvation”. The prayer of Simeon, “now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace” does not simply mean that someone who has seen Jesus and has held Him in his arms can now leave this life and die in peace: it also means for us that, having seen and touched the Saviour, we are released from the hold that sin has on us, and in peace, can leave the realm of evil.”

Something to ponder for today.

His song

2007-01-31T09:01:00.000+11:00

One of my favourite bands, Virgin Black, has the most awesome line in one of their songs, "A Poet's tears of porcelain"

"They dance to silence
but your song I hear"

I love it, it is so beautiful, really makes me think every time I hear it.
Though I must admit, sometimes I wonder if I am dancing to the right tune, as I don't always feel I can hear it, but I just have to be confident that God wont let me go, and He is playing His song for all of us! It's just whether we choose to hear it or not I guess.

There are times when I think about God, and I am overcome by a feeling of joy that is so hard to describe...joy is not something that I get to feel very often, but it is at these times that I know God is with me, loves me, and is guiding me to where I need to be. But even when I don't feel that, God is there anyway; He is unchanging, it's me that is always all over the place!

If I had the choice to re-live my life to this point, with or without the depression...I would choose the depression. Because God has brought me so far, and taught me so much through it, and I don't think that ever would have happened otherwise.
Yes, it has been a VERY tough journey, and it's not over yet, and hey, in a few days I'll probably be depressed and crying myself to sleep again, BUT...I have to remember when I can that God IS with me, and He has a purpose for me, and that through our struggles and our despair we draw closer to God, and He comforts, and teaches us to get through those times.

I will always strive to hear that song, I don't ever want to stop hearing it. And I will dance to it for all eternity, even if sometimes I don't dance very well!

Held together by tape??

2007-01-27T11:31:00.000+11:00

Haha, well I went to the physio the other day and came out with my knee and both my feet taped up! Yep, my life has officially fallen apart when I'm held together by tape! I suppose at least I can still see the humorous side of life.

Went to the movies twice in a row this week, saw Deja Vu and Pan's Labyrinth. Deja vu was ok, Pan's labyrinth was awesome. I read about it a while ago when Crystal had a post about it, but it only came out here last week. It was a really good movie, poignant, moving, fascinating, but also sad.
I was thinking about it on the way home, and started to think about the idea of returning "home" to another world (sorry for being vague but I don't want to ruin the movie for those who haven't seen it!). Really the idea aligns with concept of dying and reaching heaven. How wonderful to hear those words: "Welcome home my child!" To be embraced, and to know that no longer will you have to live in a world of brokenness, sadness, but to have eternal joy and comfort, and to be able to give God the due that he really deserves- to sing His praises for the rest of eternity!
It is such a beautiful thought, but also a promise to us.
I felt to sad on the way home, thinking of that, and of the movie, but also I think the depression had kicked in as my thoughts had turned to cutting again, which was an unpleasant end to a nice night. I was also very depressed last night, had trouble getting to sleep and kept thinking about suicide. Fortunately I was so tired I didn't have to put up with it for too long, and I am getting better also at just trying to ignore those thoughts, and to turn them away to something better. Often the Jesus prayer can help, I think I am going to be praying that a lot this year. Slow meditative breathing is also useful in trying to get my brain back to a rational state.

On my break from work at the moment, my knee has been so sore because of all the exercises, hopefully it will get better soon as they start to work on the muscles. Have tomorrow off and I'm hoping to go for a walk in the hills, weather isn't great (typical), but I think I'll go anyway. I'll take my camera.

God be with you.

Random-ness

2007-01-22T11:41:00.000+11:00

Well, I'm back doing the old "kill time in the library at uni" routine. Had a meeting after I saw my honours supervisor but has been moved from 12 to 3pm...so bit of spare time to do some homework. Uni officially starts the 13th February, but I'm already back doing reading and literature searches so that when it does start I'll be ready to roll straight away. The first few weeks of honours are usually spent doing OHS courses and orientation stuff, so if I'm ready to start I'll be able to get up and running in the breaks.

The last few weeks seem to have been so busy. I've been working, trying to get uni stuff done, trying to cram in reading before honours starts and I wont have time, catch up with friends, do lots of exercise and physio etc. I'm going to try and learn some pilates with one of those exercise balls- my aunty lent me one that comes with a video. But I haven't even had time to look at it yet! I don't know- it's supposed to be my "holidays" and yet I'm totally flat out! I've hardly even had time to pick up a book and there was so much reading I wanted to get done. I ended up making some time yesterday, even though I should have been studying instead!
Also I've been taking extra hours at work, as my car rego is due at the end of February, and it would be good to be able to pay it without borrowing off my parents, and also good to have some money in the bank account as a back up for this year- I don't like my chances though! And the car is making funny noises again and is due for another service- so there goes more money!

I've been having really bad mood swings lately. I go from being "on top of the world" to the old "totally flat" in a matter of only a day or so. It's very frustrating. Feeling great is really good, I feel close to God, motivated, happy (even exuberant!), I have fun when I go out with my friends...basically I get on such a high I totally forget how bad I have been feeling (which is a nice feeling). But then it starts to fade, and all of a sudden I'm flat again, and the worst thing about it is that I feel even worse because I have felt so good only the day before! The higher you fly, the further you fall, the harder you crash, the more it hurts- I think that's basically what's happening. And the flat always lasts longer than the high!
The last few days I have been pretty flat. I'm having trouble with my prayer routine- I just cant seem to follow it which makes me feel worse. I feel quite distant from God- but I have to remind myself that only a few days ago I could really feel Him working in my life, so I have to try and hold onto that- it's hard though.
This weekend the Bishop was at church which made things a bit stressful, as he tends to change things round a bit- randomly and without warning. So being in the choir we have to stay on our toes and try to keep things going, but it gets hard when we don't have a clue what he's doing or what we should do next!
I was quite stressed after vespers Saturday night, so on the way home decided that I could do with a swim to clear my head. Never mind that it was pouring with rain (and the beach is totally not on the way home!) and I had no bathers, I just decided to swim in my clothes. It was really nice actually, not too cold, and very still, though there were a few more jellyfish close to shore than I would have preferred! And the strangest thing- Did you know that the sea sings when it rains?? Probably sounds really strange, but because it was so still, the sound of the rain on the water was more noticeable, and it makes a sort of musical hum, almost like cicadas, but more gentle. It's really hard to describe- I will have to try writing about it some time. Anyway, I got out and just stood in the rain for while, soaking wet, just letting it fall on me, my face upturned to the sky, and I prayed a bit- I didn't know what to say so I sang some prayers from vespers. It was a really beautiful quite cathartic experience. I love the way that God sometimes chooses to reveal Himself in the most spontaneous and randomly odd moments!

I have been feeling quite strange also the last few days- probably a lot to do with feeling flat, but I feel very mundane and mediocre. I keep thinking that I'm sure there must be more to life than what my life is at the moment, but I don't know what it is. I have God, I have a loving church community, I have wonderful family and friends, I have a good job, I'm at uni doing honours...but still I feel like something is missing. That there is something I should be doing, something more in my life- I guess I feel unfulfilled (funny, as was emailing Lyndal about this stuff the other day in response to her post). I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, maybe I'm just not doing something right...it is a very confusing and disconcerting feeling. Everything just feels so...meaningless?? Mundane?? I don't even know what it is.

Anyway, I'll just travel along and try to stay on track. Better go off and actually do some homework!

Keeping clean in a muddy field

2007-01-10T10:01:00.000+11:00

So the weekend just gone was Theophany (or Epiphany). This is an important feast date in the Orthodox church, and commemorates the baptism of Jesus in the Jordan, by John the Baptist. This is one part in the bible where we see the Holy Trinity working together, the Son being baptised, the Father affirming this as a voice from Heaven, and the Holy Spirit also, descending in the form of a dove. So it's called Theophany, the appearance of God, because this is when Jesus was revealed to everyone as being the Son, chosen by the Father and the Holy Spirit. Theophany in the Orthodox church is also marked by the great blessing of the waters, and then the blessing of people's houses with the now Holy water.

So Father Geoff did a great sermon, which was really relevant for me! He talked about the cloak of Human nature being given to Adam by God, and God designed us to be divine beings, so human nature is supposed to be a reflection of God, of the divine nature. Except when Adam disobeyed God at the Fall, he threw the cloak into the mud, muddying and tarnishing human nature so it was no longer like the divine nature.
BUT!!! When Jesus came along, He picked up the muddy cloak and put it on, and when He was baptised in the Jordan, the cloak was washed free of all stains to it's original state!!! And so when we are baptised, our own cloak is washed clean as well!
The problem comes after baptism and trying to keep the cloak clean.

This ties in well with something Father Geoff and I were talking about the other day. If you think about life as the image of a muddy field, where your feet are constantly sticking in the mud.
It's basically impossible for us to keep the cloak clean when we are walking through the muddy field. There is always going to be something that flicks up and dirties us. And of course, it's really hard to walk through a muddy field, our feet get stuck in the mud, and sometimes it trips us up and we land in the mud. But we have to pick ourselves up, and try to keep going as best as we can- and we're not alone, because God is helping us! If you're anything like me, you will land flat on your face in the mud on a constant basis! But God gives us people to help us up too!!
As the young monk said to the great ascetic Abba Sisoes: "Abba what should I do? I fell." The elder answered: "Get up!!" The monk said "I got up and I fell again!" The elder replied: "Get up again!!" But the young monk asked, "For how long should I get up when I fall?" "Until your death" answered Abba Sisoes. (Sayings of the desert Fathers)
And then there is the other problem- when your friends are playing in the mud and having so much fun that you want to join them, but at the same time you want to keep clean. What do you do?? Of course you try to stay clean, but if you fall and land near them, the temptation may be to stay in the mud a little longer than you should be...

But God has also given us a means by which we may be cleaned: confession.

So when we fall we just have to get up- sometimes we may need a little help from others- and try to become clean again. Since we cant really clean ourselves off, if we ask for God's help, He will for us. And so we keep trying to walk through that muddy field, and try our best to stay clean and not to fall down.

But you know what?? It's not easy!!!

Touched....

2007-01-09T23:40:00.000+11:00

Special thankyou to Lyndal for your prayer comment on my last post, and for your blog post.
It really did touch me that you did that for me, so thankyou, I really appreciate it! And I wanted to tell Everyone what a great friend you are!! Love you stacks and stacks!!!

Relationships

2007-01-06T11:29:00.000+11:00

I went to a wedding yesterday. It was so beautiful, everything was just gorgeous and so perfect. I thought anyway. I wasn't really sure what to expect, I've only ever been to family weddings, and most of them were when I was younger. But this was a friend (well, both were friends) and I was just so happy for her, seeing her walk down the isle I felt so proud of her. Now I understand why people cry at weddings!!

And to see the way that they looked at each other during the bridal waltz, just such love and passion for each other, this adoration and gentleness, I am so glad that they are happy together and have found each other, because both of them deserve it after what they have been through in the past.

I felt so lonely though when everyone else was asked to get up and dance. All these couples on the dance floor...Lately, I have become so acutely aware of how alone I feel. Now, I know this is ridiculous for a number of reasons.
First, I have God, therefore really, I am never alone. But I have been feeling so empty lately, I keep trying to find God, fill my heart with God, and find peace and quietness in his presence, but all I seem to get is nothing, I feel like everything just leaks right out of me. Although I know God is there in my head, I cant seem to feel it with my heart.
Secondly, I have a number of friends, even if I don't feel that I can talk to them all, there are heaps of friends that I could hang out with or email when I get lonely and just want to chat.
But it still doesn't stop me from feeling so alone.
And there is the "boyfriend" issue. Most of my past relationships have been, well, fairly disastrous in my opinion (some worse than others!!). I just want to find a good Christian boy, settle down, get married and have kids before it's too late. But I don't seem to be very good at relationships in general, let alone boyfriends, which is a bit depressing.

Then there is the whole issue of talking to people when I am depressed. I cant. I just get so depressed that I don't know what to say- and that includes trying to talk about it to God. Many people have asked me what I need in a friendship. And most of my friends I would consider have the qualities that I consider important. Why then, can I not talk to them?? Even people who WANT me to talk to them when I am down, and are so willing to listen, whom I trust so completely, I just find so unable to talk to when I most need to. Probably because I never know what to say when I get to that point.

What do I need at that point?? I don't really know. But when I lie in bed at night and am so depressed, I just need someone to be there so I'm not on my own. Someone to give me a hug and hold me and make me feel secure and tell me that I'll be ok- and mean it! Someone who doesn't need to offer advice, make me feel bad because I cry and am upset, doesn't need to point out to me why I shouldn't be depressed,but instead just accepts at that moment in time I am, and I just want to be with someone. (there is a difference between pointing out why you shouldn't be depressed, contrasted with telling someone the blessings and strength that they have in life- one is in a positive light, but the other turns it to the negative).

I don't know...I just wish I didn't feel like this.

Knee news

2007-01-05T09:49:00.000+11:00

Copy and paste from the email I just sent all my friends, so sorry to those that are reading this twice!!

quick update to let you all know the results of the MRI I had on my knee and what action to take.

The muscles holding the knee cap into place, the one on the inside of the knee is loose, the other tight, which means that the knee cap is more likely to slip to one side and out of place. currently, the knee cap is not sitting in the groove of the femur where it should be, but above it, and it's still inflamed. The groove in the femur is also very shallow, unfortunately an inherited thing and there isn't much you can do about that, but it does mean that the knee is more likely to slip out of place.

The GOOD news is that surgery is a last resort, so I will not be needing it any time in the near future! yay!! also good news, I have not done any tissue damage, the pain is just because it's still inflamed.
course of action at this stage it to start a 6 week physio program to target the muscles holding the knee cap to get the knee cap back into place, and hopefully stay there. Obviously if in 6 months time (the exercises will be on going past the 6 weeks) if it still keeps popping out of place, I'll have to go back to the specialist.

but not a bad outcome there!

Crashed again

2007-01-04T22:03:00.000+11:00

Well, the last few days have been either really busy, or spent doing nothing. I've been really depressed, and being the stupid person I am, didn't do enough in recognition of warning signs (you'd think I would have figured it out after the post on my birthday, but no, I'm not that smart).

So I crashed again last night, pretty badly, probably the worst in maybe 4 months or so...

I'm feeling incredibly guilty, ashamed, and annoyed because I didn't wake up to myself in enough time to implement my crisis plan.

I really need to learn how to ask for help BEFORE I am desperate and have already crashed. Guess that's something for me to work on.

But I have picked myself up, yet again, so now I'm just trying to get myself back together, and hope that I can hold out.

A Beautiful Poem

2007-01-01T13:27:00.000+11:00

I was browsing the blog of Ruth, a lovely lady, whose blog is called Wheelie Catholic. I found this poem, and thought it was so beautiful, I wanted to share it with everyone else!

And God said no

I asked God to take away my pride,
and God said, "No."
He said it was not for Him to take
away, but for me to give up.

I asked God to make my
handicapped child whole and
God said, "No."
He said her spirit is whole, her body
is only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience,
and God said, "No."
He said that patience is a
by-product of tribulation. It
isn't granted, it's earned.

I asked God to give me happiness,
and God said, "No."
He said he gives blessings,
Happiness is up to me.

I asked God to spare me pain, and
God said, "No."
He said, ''Suffering draws you apart
from worldly cares and brings
you closer to me.''

I asked God to make my spirit grow,
and God said, "No."
He said I must grow on my own, but
he will prune-me-to make
me fruitful.

I asked God if he loved me, and God
said. ''Yes.''
He gave me His only Son who died
for me, and I will be in Heaven
some day because I believe.

I asked God to help me love others
as much as he loves me, and
God said,
''Ah, finally, you have the idea.''

Author Unknown

My Birthday

2006-12-28T11:35:00.000+11:00

So today is my 22nd birthday. But I don't feel very happy, or much like celebrating. I was going to post about Christmas, but will get round to that another time.

I am having issues with a friend of mine again- I know that she is struggling with depression issues, and I would like to try and help her. I don't mind hearing other people's problems, offering advice, or even just sitting with them if they need to be with someone- that's not a problem for me. The problem is when I offer a helping hand of love and friendship and have it thrown back in my face; when I have my concern and help belittled for less than what it is, as a mere "last resort" or pity, when in reality it stems from deep love and friendship; when I get ignored, treated like shit, told to go away. That is what really upsets and hurts me the most. Especially when I'm told that my friendship is not "real" basically- that really, really hurts a lot.

So I'm not going to go on about what happened, doesn't need to be said really, and I don't want to re-live it again.
To cut a long story short, the end result from last night was that I ended up in bed crying hysterically and more depressed than I have been in a long time.

Usually summer holidays used to be the time of year when my depression would ease slightly, and I would be able to feel almost like a normal human being. Alas, that's not the case anymore.
The last few summers I have completely lost control over my life, and have passed in a drunken haze of parties and hooking up with guys. Not something that I'm proud of, and not something that I want to repeat. So this summer, I'm determined that it will not be that way. I have been to confession over this stuff, and now I want to move on, and I don't want it to happen again. This is going to be the beginning of the new Rachel. The beginning of my life away from depression, of recovery, hope, and building my relationship with God to even higher levels.

At least that is what I was thinking a few weeks ago.

Then it hits me this morning: the spiral into madness began last night. And I am scared. I don't want to end up like that again. But my strength is fading again and I don't know how well I will last out. On the upside, uni will be starting early, so that gives me less time to stuff up. And of course, I could always be a hermit and just not do anything to safeguard myself from myself (that probably doesn't make any sense).
On the downside, my family are going away for 2 weeks, so it will just be me and Scout; of my 2 best friends, one will be away, and the other one is the one I'm having issues with; I will probably be working lots as everyone else is away- with the knee that will drain me totally, and it might mean I cant make it to church. Basically, over the summer, my supports aren't really around.

So I am thinking now that I am going to have to make some. Last night, despite the crying hysterically part, I did learn something. And it gave me some hope at least.
After all the work I have been doing with my psychologists, counsellors etc. over the last year, I think that finally, some of it has started to sink in on an unconscious level, so I can maybe even help myself before things get out of control!

I was lying in bed, crying and I could hardly breathe, and I looked up at the icon I have of Jesus as the Good Shepherd. And I grabbed the prayer rope hanging off it, and began to say the Jesus prayer- and as I prayed, I was able to get my breathing into a rhythm, and as I kept praying I was able to do mindfulness meditation by using the prayer to keep my breathing steady. Eventually I was able to stop crying, and had calmed down considerably. I was feeling a bit better, more focused (I even managed a chapter of my book before I went to sleep- a near miracle after being in that state!), and was thinking more rationally, which meant I wasn't going to do anything stupid (which is what would have happened in the past).

So despite the fact that I'm scared and worried, there is some hope for me yet! I'm going to be relying on God a lot, and I am hoping that I will be able to rely on Him as much when I am out as when I am near the icons. I think I am going to be needing lots of prayers on this one! But if I have hope, I don't think I have lost all my strength entirely. And I think that is what is going to make the main difference to all those other summers- in the last few months I have really felt that I have drawn closer to God. And even though I still feel miles away, I think that is what is going to get me through if anything!

I am also thinking that perhaps I should ask people for their help, but I don't really know who to ask or how to ask them- I don't even know what I would ask for! Maybe just their prayers, but I don't know. And also it would be a good idea for me to make a few appointments with Anne and/or Jacqui, just to help keep things on track. I like the hermit idea too- avoiding people who are most likely going to be a bad influence. I think at this time I really need to be with supportive people- although most of my supportive network are not going to be around. I suppose this will be a good opportunity to make another one!

Hmmm, well I feel a bit better at least- I think. Going out for Indian tonight. Here's to hoping that this summer is a safe and happy one!