Bad week...

Well, this is just not my week! Monday my car mirror got smashed off, and today I got a parking ticket, that's just the start...
I guess I sort of lied in my last post- there is a guy on the horizon, I just have no idea what going on with that. At the moment he is a friend, we have been emailing a few months, and talked on the phone, but this friday we are meeting for dinner. So I'm just a little bit anxious about it.

Ok, really anxious about it. Not that I am meaning to or anything, but my brain has gone into complete overdrive, and today at lunch I nearly had a panic attack (and it's been ages), I was just SO knotted up, it was ridiculous.
Lucky I managed to talk to a friend from work yesterday, or I think I would have gone insane, I had no one to talk to, and I felt like everything in my head was so stupid anyway, I eventually managed to swallow my fears, tell her that I wanted to talk about stuff but didn't know how to and then at lunch managed to spill some of it out. And you know what? I actually did feel better yesterday afternoon. I've gone a bit funny about talking to/trusting people again, I guess because I see my close friends so little, and there is really just no one around. I mean, I talk to Fr Geoff in confession and stuff, and usually, I feel I can tell him anything, but this time I just couldn't. But I'm so thankful to her that she listened, didn't judge, or act like I was really weird or anything, and she had some good insight too. Phew.

I used to blog about a lot of stuff, but I'm being more cautious about it now, and also, have less time at home on the computer anyway. I want to start writing again, but don't know where to start. I guess I'll just see where things take me. I was thinking about it tonight, but felt too blocked. I'm pretty depressed tonight, I'm even feeling too depressed to watch The X-files!

Actually, a lot of things could probably be summed up by saying: there are a lot of things I want to do and things that I should be doing, but I either cant find the time, or am too depressed when it comes to doing them and cant find the motivation or energy. So a lot of my life at the moment is trying to prioritise things and straighten things out in my head. The problem being if I start to think too much, my brain goes into overdrive, and things get messy.

Anyway, this is a very rambling and random post and a bit all over the place really. Kind of like my brain. Totally screwed!!
It's early, but have to get up for work breakfast at 8am, so I think I'll just go to bed. I stress slightly less when I'm sleeping, but I still have strange dreams, and I think I've been clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth in my sleep again.

I know stress is bad for me, and probably at the root of most of my health problems, but I'm not sure how to deal with it, since I am so used to it, if I'm not stressed out, I don't function very well, and also a lot of it is so subconscious, I don't even realise it, then I get the tiniest trigger (like friday's dinner) and suddenly am a wreck.

And I'm still rambling on, so will just finish with that and perhaps next time I blog I'll be more coherant.